Announcement – Guest Blogger Series
Exciting things are happening at Carly Goldsmith Coaching and Success Without A Suit this summer!
As readers of past blog posts know, my husband and I are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first baby this month. We’re only days away at this point and can’t be more excited!
This means some temporary changes for my coaching practice and blog. I will be away from active coaching until October when I’ll be returning part time. And since my days will consist of feedings and diaper changing for a few months, we’ll be having a Guest Blogger Series on Success Without A Suit. Starting next week, you’ll have the pleasure of hearing from some of my favorite colleagues and clients. They will share personal stories, insights, and tips that I’m sure you will all enjoy and benefit from.
If you need assistance or have a question while I’m away, please send me an email, as I will be checking periodically. In addition, I have some fabulous colleagues lined up to provide support in my absence.
I promise to keep you all updated on the baby’s arrival. Thank you for following my blog and newsletter!
See you all again in October!
Carly
Shedding Layers of the False Self
This past Monday I was lucky enough to spend the day at the barn with my friend and colleague Kathy Esper and the horses. Kathy is a coach certified in equine facilitated learning and in partnership with horses creates breakthroughs and transformations with her clients.
I have been a client of hers however this Monday, I partnered with Kathy to bring one of my clients to the barn for the experience.
And that’s what made my own breakthrough that day so unexpected.
Although the focus was on facilitating my client’s transformation, we each began our morning by setting intentions for the day. Without having preplanned it, the intention that came to me in the moment was to let go, to let loose and be silly; to be free and imperfect; to not care what I looked like or if I got it right or wrong; to just be open to the messiness of life and the curveballs it hurls our way.
It was in this mindset that I approached the day and the subtle synchronicity that followed took me a bit by surprise.
A late-morning exercise of pulling cards from the Free the Genie card deck beckoned me to “suspend my need for logic, data and practicality.” Was it a coincidence that this sounded a lot like the intention I set for the day? I was beginning to think not.
My curiosity was peaked, however these messages still didn’t mean much yet to me. The knowledge of them was still in my head – I hadn’t experienced it with the whole of my body and begun “to know” them at a cellular level.
Not until the afternoon lesson and exercise.
Kathy walked us through the process by which we create a false self throughout our lives to protect our egos and how we can begin to recognize our authentic or true self and free it from the binds of the false self. There are many ways the false self develops but the one that jumped off the page for me in flashing red lights was “energy is given to our image or how we look to others.”
A nervous giggle rose from my depths and my cheeks flushed with recognition and shame. How much energy do I still devote towards crafting my image and worrying what others think of me? More than I care to admit I’m afraid.
Here I was, coaching my client through a shedding of her false self and I was still clinging to pieces of mine. Do I admit it to her? Do I share my weakness and vulnerability, my imperfection?
I thought back to my intention of the morning and from the depths of my inner being, the answer was clear. Yes – I must admit it. And I did. I choked on my words as they first began to emerge but they got stronger as they flowed. I saw in her eyes a sense of gratitude that I was willing to be human with her. That I wasn’t above or beyond her in some way but right there with her in the sometimes painful and messy journey of personal development.
And if that didn’t stretch me out of my comfort zone, what happened next certainly did.
Kathy turned to me minutes before we were about to begin and shared that due to some other activities happening at the barn that day, we had to adapt our afternoon exercise with the horses. Although Kathy had planned to be the lead in coaching my client through the exercise (she was the certified expert after all), she now turned to me and said the only way it could be done was for me to take the lead.
The voice of fear (my false self) screamed in my head, “But I don’t know how to do this! I haven’t had time to prepare. You didn’t tell me I was going to have to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if I look stupid in front of my client and she wants to stop working with me?”
Then a tingle of excitement and anticipation spread throughout my body; a slight grin crossed my lips. Here was my stretch for the day. Here was my opportunity to live my intention. Here was a chance to shed a layer of my false self and further allow my true self to see the light of day.
I stepped up and took the lead in coaching my client through the exercise. Within moments, the world, the fears and the voice in my head fell away. It was just her and I, connected on a deep level. The questions I asked emerged from an unknown source. All fell into place. And not only did the horse we were working with recognize the connection and shift, but one by one the nearby horses stood and watched us. They held the space for us and knew something of great importance was happening for the two of us.
I am so happy that the day was transformational for my client. She confronted a block she’d been carrying with her for a while and was able to break through it.
And I am eternally grateful for the learning opportunity she provided me with that day. I walked away a better coach and a more authentic version of myself. There’s one less layer of my false self remaining.
How have you shed layers of your false self?
Where is your false self still clinging on?
What can you do to shed another layer and allow your true self to emerge?
Retreats – A Nourishing Investment
Retreat: A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude. A period of group withdrawal for prayer, meditation, or study.
What is it about taking time away from your day-to-day routine that can be so energizing? The way I see it, the off-site meeting at work, the training session, the yoga retreat, etc – they all rely on some key fundamental principles.
A mental and physical break from the daily grind: Our thought patterns and behaviors fall into habitual patterns. And while these patterns can be beneficial (take less conscious time and energy), they can also allow us to fall into stagnation. Creativity is stifled, perspectives become limited, and we lose some flexibility and adaptability.
Change in perspective: When we’re in a rut, our perspective begins to narrow and we only see what we’re used to seeing. Getting away allows you to see the world with new eyes and notice what we had inadvertently become blind to.
Distraction-free environment: Our day-to-day lives are full of distractions – phone calls, email, instant messages, Facebook, a buzzing Blackberry, meetings, TV, taking the kids to practice, etc. The list is endless. A retreat allows you to put all of that aside for a short while. And with the distractions removed, our minds are free to quiet down and focus on what is before us.
Reconnection to potential and possibilities: No matter what type of retreat you are engaging in, there will likely be a spirit of new beginnings that permeates. Stepping away brings with it the hope of positive change and the expectation that we will find clarity and solutions. We are connected with the energy of potential and our hearts and minds become open to the possibilities.
Investment in the future: By nature, taking time to break away from your routine implies making an investment in a more promising future state. It is a time of learning and growth, of laying a strong foundation to build upon. You walk away with a new vision, new skills to try out in the “real world” and new awareness.
Knowing how valuable these days are to our spirit and success, I began offering private retreat programs to my coaching clients this year. If these principles work for business planning meetings, training sessions, yoga or spirituality, why couldn’t they work for career discovery?
After our days together, I’m seeing the light return to my client’s eyes. They have renewed hope and energy to make their dreams a reality. They’re walking away with a new connection to their authentic selves, inspiring visions of what’s possible and action steps to take to bring their visions to life. And then we’re spending our coaching time in the months following their retreats on building momentum, navigating unexpected hurdles and staying focused on the goal.
Taking time away from the day-to-day is essential in re-energizing, reconnecting and investing in a more fulfilling future.
When was the last time you took a day to yourself? What have your experiences with retreats been?
Yes and No
These are funny little words that hold great power over our day-to-day lives. We say the words so often that we can lose touch with their significance and the role they play in our happiness.
Yes and No are two sides of a coin. Each time we say Yes to something, we are in turn saying No to something else. And vice versa.
Many have written about this concept and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. What am I saying Yes or No to each day? How conscious am I of making these choices? What are the consequences of these choices – both positive and negative?
I’ve found that increasing my awareness around what I say Yes and No to is a great place to start intentionally aligning my actions to support my values and capitalize on my strengths and passions.
And although this sounds simple, it can be a little tricky.
For example, a client recently shared her frustration of having no time to devote to finding a new career path. She knows in her heart that she cannot continue on her current path yet she isn’t making enough time to make the change.
Her list of excuses included a laundry list of things she had over-committed to in her professional and personal life. When we went through the list, each one of them seemed like she “kinda got roped into doing it.” And most of them were generous and noble things to be involved in – helping to coordinate an event in her community, making the costumes for her daughter’s school play, helping out a colleague who needed extra hands on a project, taking care of a sick relative, etc.
For the most part, she didn’t want to be doing many of the things she committed to. But she saw little choice but to say Yes. She wants to be a good person and help others. But as a result of saying Yes to all these outside demands, she was saying No to herself and her happiness. And the more she continued to do these things, the more drained she got. And the less she had to give others. She fell into a common trap – saying Yes to everyone else in the hopes that it will be enough to sustain us.
So how do you start making a shift? How do you start saying Yes and No in a way that supports your happiness?
1. Notice: For one week, take note of all the moments when you have the opportunity to say yes or no. Do this at work and at home.
2. Flip the Coin: For each Yes, write down all the things you have said No to as a result. For each No, write down all the things you have said Yes to.
3. Reflect: Assess the consequences of each of your choices. How are they serving you? Are they allowing you to find long-term happiness? Are they allowing you to honor your values? Are they providing you ample opportunity to utilize your natural strengths to feel capable and effective? Are they allowing you to focus on self-care so you can make the contributions you desire?
These 3 simple steps: Notice, Flip the Coin and Reflect will serve to increase your awareness of the choices you have and how you make them. Being present in the moments of your life will allow you to intentionally shape the direction of your future.
What are your experiences with saying Yes and No? How has it shaped your life and affected your happiness?
“Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.” – John C. Maxwell
Is meditation part of your life?
We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. -Dalai Lama
For many years, I heard about how adding meditation to your day could significantly increase your happiness, satisfaction and health as well as reduce stress.
At first, I wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t get it. I thought to myself, “I have no time to waste on meditation! I can’t sit still and do nothing for 30 minutes!!! And what is meditation anyway and how do I do it??”
Over time, when things started to get stressful at work and in my personal life, I began looking for a way to get through it. I slowly became open to the idea of meditation and began to learn about different techniques and try them out.
Although I’m not yet disciplined to have a daily meditation practice, my experience over the past several years has shown me how beneficial it can be. I have gone from frantic states to a sense of calm and inner peace. In my work and in my personal life, I have seen how finding calmness in my inner world allows me to manage my external world. My moods are more even, I am able to refresh and energize myself without caffeine, and I am able to be more efficient in my work.
For instance, this past week, the gray skies and constant rain were getting to me. Congestion and a sore throat had me tired and foggy-headed. Stress started to increase and focus started to decrease. I knew I couldn’t get through the rest of my day until I did something to change the course I was on.
So instead of listening to that old voice that said meditation was a waste of time and that I needed to just sit there until I got my work done, I stepped away from my desk for 45 valuable minutes. I listened to my CD, Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace by Susie Mantell. And I followed it with 15 minutes of stretching and using my Back Buddy to release tension in my neck and shoulders.
Forty-five minutes later, my perspective had shifted. My neck pain and tension melted away. I got back to my desk and there in my inbox were a few emails I had been waiting for and all contained good news. And I knocked off several items that had been lingering on my to-do list all week. Plus I had enough energy to entertain the members of my book club that were coming over that night.
I know I have a long way to go to improve my meditation practice, but I suspect it will always be in my life. I guess that’s why they call it a practice. It takes dedication to incorporate into your life and years to increase your skill and ability. I thank all of you who encouraged me to try meditation and hope to inspire others to give it a try.
Do you meditate?
What are your favorite techniques? Do you have any favorite CDs or DVDs?
How has meditation made a positive difference in your life?
What inspirational stories do you have to give others out there reason to give it a try?
Or have you thought about meditation but were afraid to try?
“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of mediation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.” - Buddha