Today’s post is by Karen Richter of Cohesive Outcomes, LLC

I am once again struck by the relevance of one of Carly’s blog posts.  This time:  Retreats – A Nourishing Investment

Cohesive Outcomes runs outdoor retreats – we spend time focusing on nature, the calmness it instills in our inner beings, which in turn allows us to reconnect with what is truly important to us, etc.  So I obviously know and appreciate the benefits of a retreat.  I’m always up for a retreat!  What I didn’t stop to realize is that we can have little mini-retreats every day, without adding any additional time to our already too-full schedules.

I’ve been an on-again-off-again runner for years.  This spring I’ve become determined to become “on-again” once again. I’ve been enjoying sporadic runs whenever I can fit them in.  This morning was a little hectic at our house – our normal routine a bit rattled up because it was the last day of school after a weekend of graduation parties, etc.  After the morning chaos, I rushed out the door to get in a jog before it got too hot (it is scheduled to be in the 90s again today).  It was not until I drove the 5 miles to one of my favorite running spots (a biking trail through the woods along the lake) that I realized I forgot my Garmin Forerunner (a GPS-enabled sports trainer watch).  I’m not a competitive runner or anything – I’m actually very slow.  But I do enjoy keeping track of my progress – was I able to run the same distance in a shorter amount of time?  Did my average pace quicken?  Can I run the next mile quicker than I ran the last one?  How does this workout compare to last week’s?  How many miles have I run this month?  This spring?  This year?

So – this morning, I had forgotten my trusty tracking device.  Now, it was just me, the woods, and the sunshine sparkling on the water, the birds, squirrels, and the sound of my own breathing.  Instead of finding motivation from the competition against myself using my little running techno toy, I found myself completely relaxing and enjoying the total experience of the run.  I never realized the slight stress that was being added to my run with all the data and analysis.  But now I felt freer to simply run and enjoy.  I was connecting with my gorgeous surroundings, and with myself.  I felt so energized, so alive!  I found myself reflecting back on Carly’s blog post about retreats, and feeling so excited that I was benefitting from a retreat experience – without even planning it!

And when I got back to my car, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had arrived back earlier than I anticipated! (I can’t help but compete against myself…)  Without my trusty Forerunner telling me, I know I had a great run, with a quicker pace than usual.  And that makes sense.  When we are doing what we love, and focusing on the enjoyment of it, we can truly excel – with little or no effort!

This experience made it clear to me that a retreat doesn’t have to be an added activity – simply tack on some conscious awareness to activities you are already doing.  It can be as easy as leaving technology at home as you go for your morning jog.  Or clearing your head in the shower and getting really present in the moment.  Instead of thinking about all the things you need to get done today, listen to all the sounds around you.  Can you hear the birds outside over the din of the shower?  How does the sound of the water coming out of the faucet differ from the sound of the water hitting the shower curtain and floor?  How does the water feel as it hits your face?  As it runs down your skin?

Or maybe your mini-retreat happens as you walk down your driveway to get the mail.  Take a moment to enjoy the sun on your face (or the rain), the smell of the flowers, the sounds of the cars driving past and the kids laughing in the neighbor’s pool.  Think about all that you have to be thankful for.

It’s amazing the effect a mini-retreat, in just a few minutes, can have on your whole being!

Where are some places you can incorporate a mini-retreat into your day?

Karen S. Richter loves helping others ‘find inner peace in parenthood’.  As the owner of Cohesive Outcomes, LLC (a company dedicated to enriching the lives of parents), Karen finds her own inner peace by getting outdoors to enjoy nature as often as possible, and living in her old (220+ years) farmhouse in Bucks County, PA with her husband, two children, 3 cats, and many chickens.

Another fun and insightful blog posting brought to you by Tracy Sullivan.

Hello, my name is Tracy and I’m a recovering think-aholic…

I’ve been a think-aholic for as long as I can remember. At an early age I learned that if a little thinking was good, a lot was better…

Makes sense, right?

WRONG…

This belief led me to what I call “think-aholism”.

Think-aholism is my made up term for what happens when I get stuck in thought, it’s usually brought on by stress – a new job, a new relationship, no relationship, giving a presentation, a change in plans, speaking up for what I want, even getting a new hairstyle!

Over-thinking’s downsides include anxiety, moodiness, indecision as well as stagnation, not living up to your full potential and it generally saps the joy out of life.

Who wants that? Not me!!

I knew I was a think-aholic when I kept hearing….

“You think too much, that’s your downfall.”

“You over analyze everything too much.”

“You are being too hard on yourself.”

So why the tendency to over-think?

Am I “hard-wired” that way? Did I learn this from my parents? Is it hormones? Am I too cautious?  Afraid to make mistakes? It’s probably a combination.

You may have others reasons for your own over-thinking.

What I do know, is that over-thinking is a habit that can be broken.

One of the biggest culprits for me has always been fear. Fear of making a mistake, looking foolish, doing the “wrong” thing, people not agreeing with me. Also, if something doesn’t go as planned, I tend to ruminate about it – why it happened and what I should have done better, which keeps me stuck and in a down space– I call it analysis paralysis

When I’m paralyzed in thought it’s hard to find a solution or bounce back. It’s like I get lost in a maze of overly dramatic thoughts, get exhausted and lose steam. Then I’m suddenly in a bad mood. No fun for me or anyone near me.

Over the years though I have learned to recognize the signs and while there is no support group for us think-aholics, I have found a few things tend to snap me out of my think-aholic ways….

Break the cycle-

• Relax and let go- breathe, get up and just do something different – talk a walk, listen to music, clean your house… distract yourself.
• Get active – exercise is a natural mood lifter – it gets the blood flowing and often clears my head.
• Go outside – Being outside makes me feel more spacious and relaxed – often clearing my head and lifting my mood instantly.
• Note cards that say “STOP” on them – place them anywhere you look often – your office, your mirror, your car, your wallet – just looking at the word helps me shift my thinking to something else…
• Call a friend – run the problem past a friend who is a good problem solver, someone who is not an over-thinker like you – they will help you see things in a new light.
• Count your blessings – there is always something to be thankful for – I can always find something to be happy about… I’ve kept a gratitude journal near my bed for a few years and it’s been such a great practice – having the last thought before bed be a positive one has made a difference in how well I sleep and how I feel when I wake up.

“I’ve found that worry and irritation vanish into thin air the moment I open my mind to the many blessings I posses” -Dale Carnegie

Tracy Sullivan enjoys her life and career in Human Recourses in Bedminster, NJ. Tracy is also a Professional Certified Coach, having coached for 6+ years at Deloitte. Tracy is a continuingblog contributor sharing her own wisdom and experiences with others.

I try to do things right. But I’m beginning to see that the desire for perfection may just be another way to hide, not only our imperfections, but our true selves.

A perfect example:  To prepare to be a guest blogger for Carly, I wanted to read all of her blog posts again to ensure that I could step into her shoes, mimic her style, and provide a seamless transition for her readers/followers.  As I reread Carly’s blog posts, I found myself intimidated.  She writes so well.  Her words just flow.  There is such profound meaning in her words.  I found myself saying “I can’t do this.  Who am I to be writing?  No one wants to listen to me.  I can’t be Carly.”

Then her “Shedding Layers of the False Self” blog post hit me right between the eyes.  Carly challenges us to shed layers of our false selves and to be authentic.  And here I was, trying to develop a whole new false self – the “Carly fill-in”, “Carly2”.  This blog post caused me to realize that I didn’t need to put up yet another layer of false self by trying to be Carly.  My desire to learn Carly’s style was simply a way for me to hide my true self – to protect myself from getting hurt if Carly’s readers didn’t love me and/or what I had to say.

The blog post also caused me to realize how much I admire when someone else reveals their true self. (Carly shares the “sense of gratitude” in her client’s eyes that Carly “was willing to be human with her”.)  I admire the courage it takes to open up and be vulnerable.  Even more, I am grateful when they are willing to share their authentic self with me – it tells me that they feel safe enough with me to let their inner-being show.  I feel honored that they trust me enough to place into my care, their emotional well-being.

It’s become clear to me that when we are only focused on our own emotions (especially feelings of insecurity), we are making the situation all about us.  We are not allowing the others involved in the situation to be trusted and honored by sharing with them.    We deprive them of those feelings of pride and satisfaction that come along when they feel someone trusts them with their most vulnerable self.

I am really taking to heart Carly’s blog about revealing our true selves.  Here I am – writing as Karen, not as Karen-trying-to-be-Carly.  I am using this blog as an opportunity to practice exactly what Carly shared with us – revealing our true selves.  And, let me tell you, it comes as such a relief!  It takes a lot of energy to play a role, to pretend to be something I’m not.  It is so freeing, and I feel the stress dissipating.  I am now much better able to go with the flow, and to trust in it.  And it is so much easier to simply write what is in my head, and not feel the need to put it through a filter and a translator so it comes out looking like something Carly would write.  I truly look forward to sharing more with you soon.

In her “Shedding Layers of the False Self” blog post, Carly asks many questions.  Continuing along that same train of thought, I pose the following questions:

• What’s holding you back from shedding the layers of your false self?
• How would it feel to honor others by showing trust and confidence in them?

To do: When you feel the need to hide your inner self, notice – who are you protecting?  Are you making the situation all about you?  How would it feel to instead think about the other person, and how honored and trusted they might feel if you opened up and revealed yourself to them?

Karen S. Richter loves helping others ‘find inner peace in parenthood’.  As the owner of Cohesive Outcomes, LLC (a company dedicated to enriching the lives of parents), Karen finds her own inner peace by getting outdoors to enjoy nature as often as possible, and living in her old (220+ years) farmhouse in Bucks County, PA with her husband, two children, 3 cats, and many chickens.

I have  been a client of hers however this Monday, I partnered with Kathy to bring one of my clients to the barn for the experience.

And that’s what made my own breakthrough that day so unexpected.

Although the focus was on facilitating my client’s transformation, we each began our morning by setting intentions for the day. Without having preplanned it, the intention that came to me in the moment was to let go, to let loose and be silly; to be free and imperfect; to not care what I looked like or if I got it right or wrong; to just be open to the messiness of life and the curveballs it hurls our way.

It was in this mindset that I approached the day and the subtle synchronicity that followed took me a bit by surprise.

A late-morning exercise of pulling cards from the Free the Genie card deck beckoned me to “suspend my need for logic, data and practicality.” Was it a coincidence that this sounded a lot like the intention I set for the day? I was beginning to think not.

My curiosity was peaked, however these messages still didn’t mean much yet to me.  The knowledge of them was still in my head – I hadn’t experienced it with the whole of my body and begun “to know” them at a cellular level.

Not until the afternoon lesson and exercise.

Kathy walked us through the process by which we create a false self throughout our lives to protect our egos and how we can begin to recognize our authentic or true self and free it from the binds of the false self.  There are many ways the false self develops but the one that jumped off the page for me in flashing red lights was “energy is given to our image or how we look to others.”

A nervous giggle rose from my depths and my cheeks flushed with recognition and shame. How much energy do I still devote towards crafting my image and worrying what others think of me?  More than I care to admit I’m afraid.

Here I was, coaching my client through a shedding of her false self and I was still clinging to pieces of mine.  Do I admit it to her?  Do I share my weakness and vulnerability, my imperfection?

I thought back to my intention of the morning and from the depths of my inner being, the answer was clear.  Yes – I must admit it. And I did.  I choked on my words as they first began to emerge but they got stronger as they flowed.  I saw in her eyes a sense of gratitude that I was willing to be human with her.  That I wasn’t above or beyond her in some way but right there with her in the sometimes painful and messy journey of personal development.

And if that didn’t stretch me out of my comfort zone, what happened next certainly did.

Kathy turned to me minutes before we were about to begin and shared that due to some other activities happening at the barn that day, we had to adapt our afternoon exercise with the horses.  Although Kathy had planned to be the lead in coaching my client through the exercise (she was the certified expert after all), she now turned to me and said the only way it could be done was for me to take the lead.

The voice of fear (my false self) screamed in my head, “But I don’t know how to do this! I haven’t had time to prepare. You didn’t tell me I was going to have to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if I look stupid in front of my client and she wants to stop working with me?”

Then a tingle of excitement and anticipation spread throughout my body; a slight grin crossed my lips.  Here was my stretch for the day.  Here was my opportunity to live my intention.  Here was a chance to shed a layer of my false self and further allow my true self to see the light of day.

I stepped up and took the lead in coaching my client through the exercise.  Within moments, the world, the fears and the voice in my head fell away.  It was just her and I, connected on a deep level.  The questions I asked emerged from an unknown source.  All fell into place.  And not only did the horse we were working with recognize the connection and shift, but one by one the nearby horses stood and watched us.  They held the space for us and knew something of great importance was happening for the two of us.

I am so happy that the day was transformational for my client.  She confronted a block she’d been carrying with her for a while and was able to break through it.

And I am eternally grateful for the learning opportunity she provided me with that day.  I walked away a better coach and a more authentic version of myself. There’s one less layer of my false self remaining.

How have you shed layers of your false self?

Where is your false self still clinging on?

What can you do to shed another layer and allow your true self to emerge?

This post originally ran on September 3, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

Yesterday, we discussed wallowing and explored its benefits.  I shared how as a coach, I could get behind encouraging wallowing as a tool to gain insight and help you move forward.  Today, I thought we’d to continue exploring by getting deeper into a real life example and sharing some practical ways for you to make the most of your wallowing.

Laura’s Story
Laura is a bright, energetic, driven corporate leader who’s worked her way up the ladder.  She has invested 16 years into her career and is recognized as a subject matter expertise in her field.  But something is missing and she’s burnt out.  We began our work together by exploring a career path that would put her skills to use in a consulting capacity.  It seemed like the logical thing to do and she was taking every step she was supposed to in order to generate leads and opportunities.  In our last meeting however, she was still feeling stressed out and uneasy.  So we took the opportunity to explore how she was feeling and get behind what they might be revealing to her.  We explored what felt off, what felt right.  We explored when in her work she felt stressed and when she felt strong and confident.  Something began to shift in Laura.  The tension began to break and you could see her sinking into her emotions.  Over the following two weeks, Laura took time to wallow in those feelings and continue to look for the messages they might be sending her about her next career step.  When I spoke with her yesterday, she was bubbling over with energy.  Her deep reflection revealed a potential career path that she had never considered.  She couldn’t believe she had previously overlooked it as an option.  Her wallowing allowed her to confront and release her built up emotions.  And when she paid attention to the root of her emotions, she was able to see a world of possibilities opening up before her.

The next time you feel a period of wallowing coming on, make the most of it. Pull out your journal and begin to capture all the feelings you’re having.  Take a deep breath and truly allow yourself to experience your emotions.  And ask yourself some reflective questions* about your emotions:

Fear – What is the threat?  Is it real or perceived?  What must I do to move into a position of safety?

Vulnerability – What belief, behavior or perception is being challenged? How might my life change if I accept and adapt to this new insight?

Anger – What must be protected?  What boundary must be restored?

Frustration – What is the block?  What can I do differently?  Who can I ask for ideas or assistance?

Sadness (when you know loss is coming) – What must be released?  What must be rejuvenated?

Grief (when you have no choice about the loss) – What must be mourned?

*Questions are adapted from The Emotional Life of Horses by Linda Kohanov. Copyright 2005 by Epona Equestrian Services. http://www.taoofequus.com/linda_kohanov.html

I bounced over to Jaye, the 28-year old dark brown, wise and majestic mare, with curry comb and brush in hand. The instructions from my coach Kathy were simple – I had 10 minutes to groom the horse and notice what I was feeling. I was in good spirits that day at the barn. I’d been working on getting my life in order and the results were showing. How hard could this job be, I thought? But as soon as I started using the comb to release dirt, Jaye turned her head to look at me. What did that mean? Was she uncomfortable? A moment later when she backed away, ever so slightly, I got my answer.

A horse is a powerful mirror.

The smile and hop in my step were quickly disappearing. Jaye and I were both uneasy and agitated. I didn’t like it.  But I kept on going.  And finally as I passed behind her to groom her other side, something happened.  A deep breath entered my lungs without conscious thought.  A release swept over my body and there was a noticeable weakness in my knees.  I laid a hand on her to steady myself as I groomed with the other.  We fell into sync.  We were connected.

I knew instantly in that moment that Jaye had picked up on what was really going on with me before I did.  She saw through my positive exterior and instantly recognized the fear deep inside. Uh, oh. But as I checked in with the feeling, I realized the fear was there, but it wasn’t paralyzing.  It was that excited kind of fear; like when you’re on the brink of an amazing new journey.  Ahh!  So this is what I was meant to learn, huh?  This is what you were trying to make me see!

Jaye reflected my mismatched emotions back to me until I paid attention.  I wanted to hug her.  Her gift was powerful.  I felt warm, appreciative, known, accepted. I felt authentic, empowered, courageous.  I was ready to face my fears.

And then it happened.

I looked up at my coach, flashed a smile loaded with the message, “I am complete with Jaye; is it ok if I’m done?”  She smiled back giving no indication I had permission to stop.  My 10 minutes must not be up yet.  What do I do now?
So I ignored my gut and did what I was “supposed” to.  I moved back to Jaye’s right side and kept on grooming until my 10 minutes were up.  Those last two minutes were excruciating.  We got agitated again.  We lost our connection.  I suddenly felt I was on stage for my audience to critique.  I was doing it wrong.  I let Jaye down. I failed.  Everyone else was better than me.  I ran back to my seat as fast as I could when time was called.

As she debriefed with me, my coach Kathy challenged me, “Where else in your business or life do you stop yourself from acting on your intuition?  How has that held you back?”  Another participant of the workshop threw in another one,  ”Are you trying to be the “good girl” and do it “right” rather than taking authentic action?”

My mind raced through past experience where I ignored my intuition to disastrous results and those where I listened and although it felt risky, all turned out better than expected.

And almost like Jaye was still communicating with me from the barn, an opportunity to listen to my intuition showed up.  I had been in conversation with a colleague about collaborating on a project together.  On the surface, there was so much synergy that it seemed like a no-brainer.   But the more we talked about it, the more drained I got.  The more I felt trapped.
So during our next call, when the topic of how we’d work together came up, I took the chance and opened up.  I had fears.  I had reservations.  It doesn’t feel like the right time for me.  But I didn’t want to close the door to future collaboration.
Turns out the fears and doubts were mutual.  We had a great conversation and things are better than ever between us.  We’re finding other ways to support each other and keeping our eyes open for future opportunities to collaborate.  I think we may have even saved our friendship from potential damage.

Trusting your intuition can be a challenging task even if we know the rewards.

To strengthen your awareness and integrate it into authentic action, try these following steps when faced with your next decision:

Check in with your body. Notice any feelings, twinges or stiffness. What message is this trying to tell you?

Check in with your emotions. Are you feeling fear, vulnerability, anger, frustration, sadness?  Or happy, confident, empowered, clear, courageous?  What message are these emotions trying to tell you?

Take action. Building the muscles around trusting your intuition take practice.  Take a chance.  Act in a way that honors the messages you received from your body and emotions.

Reflect. Take time to reflect on how this new authentic action felt for you.  Did things blow up after you took the risk or was your risk rewarded with a pleasant surprise?  How will you integrate what you learned the next time you’re faced with a decision?

Please share your stories with us. We’d love to hear how you’re learning and growing!

PS Remember how I wanted to hug Jaye for the gift she had given me?  Well even though it felt like a silly request, before I left the barn that day, I shared my desire with Kathy.  She led me straight into Jaye’s stall and I wrapped my arms around her. Thank you, I communicated with my embrace; I’m grateful you were here to teach me.  And turns out it wasn’t so silly a request after all.  One by one, my fellow workshop participants stepped into the stall asking for their chance at a hug.