Shedding Layers of the False Self
April 21, 2010
This past Monday I was lucky enough to spend the day at the barn with my friend and colleague Kathy Esper and the horses. Kathy is a coach certified in equine facilitated learning and in partnership with horses creates breakthroughs and transformations with her clients.
I have been a client of hers however this Monday, I partnered with Kathy to bring one of my clients to the barn for the experience.
And that’s what made my own breakthrough that day so unexpected.
Although the focus was on facilitating my client’s transformation, we each began our morning by setting intentions for the day. Without having preplanned it, the intention that came to me in the moment was to let go, to let loose and be silly; to be free and imperfect; to not care what I looked like or if I got it right or wrong; to just be open to the messiness of life and the curveballs it hurls our way.
It was in this mindset that I approached the day and the subtle synchronicity that followed took me a bit by surprise.
A late-morning exercise of pulling cards from the Free the Genie card deck beckoned me to “suspend my need for logic, data and practicality.” Was it a coincidence that this sounded a lot like the intention I set for the day? I was beginning to think not.
My curiosity was peaked, however these messages still didn’t mean much yet to me. The knowledge of them was still in my head – I hadn’t experienced it with the whole of my body and begun “to know” them at a cellular level.
Not until the afternoon lesson and exercise.
Kathy walked us through the process by which we create a false self throughout our lives to protect our egos and how we can begin to recognize our authentic or true self and free it from the binds of the false self. There are many ways the false self develops but the one that jumped off the page for me in flashing red lights was “energy is given to our image or how we look to others.”
A nervous giggle rose from my depths and my cheeks flushed with recognition and shame. How much energy do I still devote towards crafting my image and worrying what others think of me? More than I care to admit I’m afraid.
Here I was, coaching my client through a shedding of her false self and I was still clinging to pieces of mine. Do I admit it to her? Do I share my weakness and vulnerability, my imperfection?
I thought back to my intention of the morning and from the depths of my inner being, the answer was clear. Yes – I must admit it. And I did. I choked on my words as they first began to emerge but they got stronger as they flowed. I saw in her eyes a sense of gratitude that I was willing to be human with her. That I wasn’t above or beyond her in some way but right there with her in the sometimes painful and messy journey of personal development.
And if that didn’t stretch me out of my comfort zone, what happened next certainly did.
Kathy turned to me minutes before we were about to begin and shared that due to some other activities happening at the barn that day, we had to adapt our afternoon exercise with the horses. Although Kathy had planned to be the lead in coaching my client through the exercise (she was the certified expert after all), she now turned to me and said the only way it could be done was for me to take the lead.
The voice of fear (my false self) screamed in my head, “But I don’t know how to do this! I haven’t had time to prepare. You didn’t tell me I was going to have to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if I look stupid in front of my client and she wants to stop working with me?”
Then a tingle of excitement and anticipation spread throughout my body; a slight grin crossed my lips. Here was my stretch for the day. Here was my opportunity to live my intention. Here was a chance to shed a layer of my false self and further allow my true self to see the light of day.
I stepped up and took the lead in coaching my client through the exercise. Within moments, the world, the fears and the voice in my head fell away. It was just her and I, connected on a deep level. The questions I asked emerged from an unknown source. All fell into place. And not only did the horse we were working with recognize the connection and shift, but one by one the nearby horses stood and watched us. They held the space for us and knew something of great importance was happening for the two of us.
I am so happy that the day was transformational for my client. She confronted a block she’d been carrying with her for a while and was able to break through it.
And I am eternally grateful for the learning opportunity she provided me with that day. I walked away a better coach and a more authentic version of myself. There’s one less layer of my false self remaining.
How have you shed layers of your false self?
Where is your false self still clinging on?
What can you do to shed another layer and allow your true self to emerge?
Yes and No
April 6, 2010
These are funny little words that hold great power over our day-to-day lives. We say the words so often that we can lose touch with their significance and the role they play in our happiness.
Yes and No are two sides of a coin. Each time we say Yes to something, we are in turn saying No to something else. And vice versa.
Many have written about this concept and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. What am I saying Yes or No to each day? How conscious am I of making these choices? What are the consequences of these choices – both positive and negative?
I’ve found that increasing my awareness around what I say Yes and No to is a great place to start intentionally aligning my actions to support my values and capitalize on my strengths and passions.
And although this sounds simple, it can be a little tricky.
For example, a client recently shared her frustration of having no time to devote to finding a new career path. She knows in her heart that she cannot continue on her current path yet she isn’t making enough time to make the change.
Her list of excuses included a laundry list of things she had over-committed to in her professional and personal life. When we went through the list, each one of them seemed like she “kinda got roped into doing it.” And most of them were generous and noble things to be involved in – helping to coordinate an event in her community, making the costumes for her daughter’s school play, helping out a colleague who needed extra hands on a project, taking care of a sick relative, etc.
For the most part, she didn’t want to be doing many of the things she committed to. But she saw little choice but to say Yes. She wants to be a good person and help others. But as a result of saying Yes to all these outside demands, she was saying No to herself and her happiness. And the more she continued to do these things, the more drained she got. And the less she had to give others. She fell into a common trap – saying Yes to everyone else in the hopes that it will be enough to sustain us.
So how do you start making a shift? How do you start saying Yes and No in a way that supports your happiness?
1. Notice: For one week, take note of all the moments when you have the opportunity to say yes or no. Do this at work and at home.
2. Flip the Coin: For each Yes, write down all the things you have said No to as a result. For each No, write down all the things you have said Yes to.
3. Reflect: Assess the consequences of each of your choices. How are they serving you? Are they allowing you to find long-term happiness? Are they allowing you to honor your values? Are they providing you ample opportunity to utilize your natural strengths to feel capable and effective? Are they allowing you to focus on self-care so you can make the contributions you desire?
These 3 simple steps: Notice, Flip the Coin and Reflect will serve to increase your awareness of the choices you have and how you make them. Being present in the moments of your life will allow you to intentionally shape the direction of your future.
What are your experiences with saying Yes and No? How has it shaped your life and affected your happiness?
“Learn to say ‘no’ to the good so you can say ‘yes’ to the best.” – John C. Maxwell
Is meditation part of your life?
April 1, 2010
We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. -Dalai Lama
For many years, I heard about how adding meditation to your day could significantly increase your happiness, satisfaction and health as well as reduce stress.
At first, I wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t get it. I thought to myself, “I have no time to waste on meditation! I can’t sit still and do nothing for 30 minutes!!! And what is meditation anyway and how do I do it??”
Over time, when things started to get stressful at work and in my personal life, I began looking for a way to get through it. I slowly became open to the idea of meditation and began to learn about different techniques and try them out.
Although I’m not yet disciplined to have a daily meditation practice, my experience over the past several years has shown me how beneficial it can be. I have gone from frantic states to a sense of calm and inner peace. In my work and in my personal life, I have seen how finding calmness in my inner world allows me to manage my external world. My moods are more even, I am able to refresh and energize myself without caffeine, and I am able to be more efficient in my work.
For instance, this past week, the gray skies and constant rain were getting to me. Congestion and a sore throat had me tired and foggy-headed. Stress started to increase and focus started to decrease. I knew I couldn’t get through the rest of my day until I did something to change the course I was on.
So instead of listening to that old voice that said meditation was a waste of time and that I needed to just sit there until I got my work done, I stepped away from my desk for 45 valuable minutes. I listened to my CD, Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace by Susie Mantell. And I followed it with 15 minutes of stretching and using my Back Buddy to release tension in my neck and shoulders.
Forty-five minutes later, my perspective had shifted. My neck pain and tension melted away. I got back to my desk and there in my inbox were a few emails I had been waiting for and all contained good news. And I knocked off several items that had been lingering on my to-do list all week. Plus I had enough energy to entertain the members of my book club that were coming over that night.
I know I have a long way to go to improve my meditation practice, but I suspect it will always be in my life. I guess that’s why they call it a practice. It takes dedication to incorporate into your life and years to increase your skill and ability. I thank all of you who encouraged me to try meditation and hope to inspire others to give it a try.
Do you meditate?
What are your favorite techniques? Do you have any favorite CDs or DVDs?
How has meditation made a positive difference in your life?
What inspirational stories do you have to give others out there reason to give it a try?
Or have you thought about meditation but were afraid to try?
“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of mediation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.” - Buddha
Anticipation
March 17, 2010
Expect the best. The world is working in your favor. -Cheryl Richardson
Two weeks from today will mark the one-year anniversary of when I left corporate America to launch my coaching business. The past year has flown by and it’s hard to believe how different my life is. I am fully engaged in meaningful and fulfilling work. I am taking care of myself and I have quality time with my friends and loved ones. Today, I’m filled with an appreciation of all I have and an anticipation of a richer, stronger future, and at the same time, I cant’ help but think of where I was one year ago.
The year leading up to my departure was a difficult one. Over the course of 12 months, I suffered two miscarriages, the second coming on the same day it was announced that the department I worked in was being dismantled (one of the many reorganization efforts to address the declining economic conditions.). Of my team of 50, 25 were laid off, 20 were asked to stay on temporarily to fulfill the team’s commitments and 5 were given new jobs.
I was one of the “lucky” five. But I didn’t feel so lucky. I didn’t want the role I was given (it was far from a good match with my strengths and interests) but I saw no choice but to take it. My visions of a future family and my career vanished in an instant.
At the time I was still reeling from my first miscarriage, so it’s an understatement to say I was in shock. I couldn’t find my footing. For the first time I could remember, I couldn’t see a way to process what was happening.
I couldn’t move on, so I threw myself into what I thought I did have control over.
I dove headlong into my new job and getting to know my new boss and team. I scheduled test after test with my doctor to try and uncover the reason why I was losing my pregnancies. I spent hours on the phone helping my colleagues manage their job losses.
The days turned to weeks and then to months and I hadn’t begun to process or grieve my losses. I was numb. I had no confidence. I’d burst into tears at the slightest thing.
I knew for certain that the job was a bad fit and draining the last bits of energy I had left. The hours were grueling and I wasn’t sleeping well. I developed TMJ and severe back and neck pain, and most painful of all, I saw how I was becoming more and more detached from friends and family. They were watching me disintegrate. But they didn’t know how to help and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed.
Slowly, I began to confide in my coach and a handful of trusted friends and family members. I asked for guidance. It wasn’t easy, but I realized that what I needed was time to grieve and assess what was next. I began to explore different options to get the time I needed. The more I learned about my options, the more I leaned towards taking a leave of absence. It would give me the time to focus on my health and wellbeing in a way that didn’t jeopardize my job.
After what felt like weeks of paperwork, my medical leave was approved. Over the next 9 weeks, I let myself grieve. I fully felt all of my emotions. I took time to heal my mind and body. I reconnected with loved ones. And I took the time to re-evaluate the priorities and purpose of my life.
Gone were my innocent notions that I could easily start a family or that having a job at a big company meant “security.” That much was certain. But in its place I found this simple recognition: life is short, and I deserve to pursue what makes me happy, healthy and fulfilled.
Those weeks allowed me to be comfortable with a thought that had been percolating for some time. The time was here to leave the “safety” of corporate America to follow my passions and launch my own coaching business. I would set out to help women like me navigate their career and life transitions. And I would build a life centered around fulfillment, health, and authenticity. I would become the role model I could be proud of for when the day came that I would be a mother.
I knew it was going to be challenging but deep inside I had an inner knowing and confidence that for the first time in my life, I was on the right path.
There have been ups and downs this past year but I am thrilled to share that there have been more ups than downs. Like most couples, my husband and I worry about money but we take comfort in our ability to save and plan while building a strong and profitable business. And although we have had to sacrifice some of the material comforts we once took for granted, we have re-connected with the simple things that bring us joy in life. Most importantly time with each other and with loved ones.
And best of all, I am doing work that I love, with people that I admire and am thrilled that I’m 21 weeks into a healthy pregnancy.
With great anticipation, I look forward to the days ahead and to my new role as a mother and emerging role as a successful business owner. I know things will be tough in the future – life always has its ups and downs. But I now know that I can handle whatever comes my way with the support of my friends and family.
“I am happy for this day and I expect good things – surprise me!”
What’s out beyond your headlights?
March 11, 2010
A recent post, How to Start, by my friend Phil Bolton of Less Ordinary Living got me thinking. In his post, he shares his struggles writing his blog posts and ponders what it takes to overcome the hurdles and get started.
At first, I reflected on my own writing process, the fits and starts I go through writi
ng blog posting and content for my newsletters, workshops, exercises and website. But after the initial chuckle of recognition wore off, I found myself reflecting on how getting started in writing is a lot like getting started in other parts of my career and life.
While I was reflecting, I picked up one of my favorite books, Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott and skimmed through the chapters. In my flipping, I found a quote I’d never noticed before. Lamott references E.L. Doctorow who is quoted as saying, “writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. “ The quote hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn’t help but whole-heartedly agree with Lamott’s remark that this was the best advice she ever got about writing and life.
Even if you only have a vague idea of what you’d like to do or where we want to go, get started. Drive the first 200 feet and see where it takes you. See what your headlights illuminate in those first 200 feet. There may be a bridge-out that forces you to turn around or find a new path. There may be a crossroads that forces you to make a new choice. But you might also find a road sign that says you’re on the right track.
My mind jumped back to Bolton’s blog, “The blank page. The blinking cursor.” They mock us when we’re trying to get started and can defeat us if we let them. Too often we believe that we have to know the whole story or the destination in order to write the first word or take the first step.
The same can be said of our careers. For many of us, the blinking cursor is the daily grind of waking up and going to a job we detest. The blank page is our deep desire of wanting a new direction but not knowing what our new destination is. We feel mocked. Eventually we feel defeated.
But if we go back to the words of Doctorow, we can find liberation in them. It’s not necessary to know the final destination. Perhaps it’s not even possible to know exactly what the final destination is. All we can do is shine those headlights and see what the next 200 feet reveal to us. Slow down. Explore. Take notes.
What clues can you find in what you see in front of you?
In what’s working and not working in your current job.
In what you like to do; dislike to do.
In what you’re passionate about.
In what you have a natural talent for (and what you don’t.)
In what your preferences are for the ideal environment that will nourish you and allow your best to shine.
Follow the signs. Take it one exit at a time. Correct your course along the way. Make a left turn if your attention is grabbed by something you like. Trust that you will make it to your destination by progressing 200 feet at a time, no matter which direction you take. You may find that the destination changes along the way. That’s ok. The key is to get started and keep taking it 200 feet at a time.
Action is the best way to overcome the overwhelming paralysis we can often feel when it comes to making a change in our careers and lives.
What are the next 200 feet of the road ahead revealing about your final destination?
A Call to Action – Life is Too Short Not to Face Fears
March 3, 2010
“I don’t have enough time to focus on myself.”
“It’s a luxury to have a career you love. No one enjoys work.”
“I can’t spend time or money on myself to figure out what will make me happy.”
“I’ll figure it out later. With the bad economy, I just have to put my head down and make money to pay the bills.”
Have you ever said these things? I know I’ve had these thoughts. And I hear them pretty often from friends, family, colleagues and clients.
Where do these beliefs come from, I began to wonder. And how are they serving us individually and collectively?
My guess is that these beliefs do protect us in some ways. On the surface, “not having enough time,” allows us to hide behind humility and virtue. It presents us an opportunity to not seem selfish. As human beings, we have a strong desire to be caretakers and supporters of our friends and loved ones around us. What we are taught reinforces this value that many of us hold. And to focus on our own wants and needs seems to contradict this value.
But is it a contradiction? Is carving out time to care of our own needs and seeing ourselves as worth it really in opposition of being supportive of others? I’m not sure. If we go deeper, we see that to be truly supportive of others in the way we desire, we must be at our best. This allows us to fully give our gifts to the world. And in order to be our best, we must see ourselves as worthy enough of the time it takes for self-care and an investment in our personal growth and development.
To simply say we don’t have enough time may be just another way we avoid facing our fears.
Fear of what you might ask? The list is long. It takes multiple shapes for many of us.
Fear of not finding the career that will fulfill us.
Fear of never finding enough clarity to move forward.
Fear of making the wrong decision.
Fear of making a change and still not being happy.
Fear of the difficult journey it will be to find and pursue a new path.
Fear that happiness and making money are mutually exclusive.
Fear that you will not be capable and effective if you pursue an area of passion.
The list could go on. The underlying fear as I see it, is a fear of the unknown.
It is human nature to fear the unknown – to choose unhappiness over uncertainty.
But although we have a great capacity to endure undesirable situations, there is something deep within us that knows it is worth doing something about. So what can we do about it? How can we begin to make the changes in ourselves in order to make a positive impact for our immediate circle and the world?
We find that in order to conquer a fear, we need to define it.
In Tim Ferris’ book, The 4-Hour Work Week, he has readers face what I see as a brilliant question in helping us define our fear of the unknown.
What is it costing you – financially, emotionally, and physically – to postpone action? Don’t only evaluate the potential downside of action. It is equally important to measure the atrocious cost of inaction. If you don’t pursue the things that excite you, where will you be in one year, five years, ten years? How will you feel having allowed circumstance to impose itself upon you and having allowed ten more years of your finite life to pass doing what you know will not fulfill you? If you telescope 10 years and know with 100% certainty that it is a path of disappointment and regret, and if we define risk as “the likelihood of an irreversible negative outcome,” inaction is the greatest risk of all.
And I’d like to add, what is it costing those around you?
How is your inaction impacting your friends and loved ones? Your colleagues? The world at large?
We are all inter-connected. A change in how we see and treat ourselves will ripple out to the world. Change in the world starts with each one of us. If we all hold back and live from a place of fear, we will continue to build a world of full of distrust, unhappiness, lack and scarcity.
So the next time you find yourself saying, “I don’t have the time to invest in myself” or “I’ll wait until a better time to make a change,”
Ask yourself, “What is it costing me to postpone action?”
And remember…What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.
All About the Journey
February 23, 2010
Today’s post was written by guest blogger and my dear friend and colleague, Tracy Sullivan.
The 5:05 or the 5:12? I asked myself this question one ordinary weekday as I was planning my commute home from NY to NJ.
The 5:05 train will get me home faster. No need to transfer trains or wait on a cold platform. I’ll have to hustle, but I decided I can do it.
The next 30 minutes are a blur. I throw on my coat, strap on my backpack. My mission is to catch the 5:05. No one can stop me. My breath quickens, my neck tightens, and my face is serious with a look that says “out of my way!”
Off I go – sprinting through the streets of lower Manhattan. With each step I’m lost in my thoughts –
“Will I make it?”
“Why won’t this person get out of my way?”
“Don’t they know I have to catch the 5:05???”
“Oh man I wish I had on my sneakers – these shoes are killing me!”
“I don’t know if I’ll make it! Tick-tock!”
“Damn – this sucks, I want to make the 5:05! 5:05! 5:05!!!”
I am so fixated on the time it’s as if I might vanish into thin air if I don’t make this 5:05 train.
Back to my racing thoughts, “what’s so important about this 5:05 train anyway?” My mind begins to shift – “Isn’t there another train right after? Wouldn’t it be easier to simply slow down, relax and just take the 5:12?”
Yeah, sure, that makes sense.
“But no, I REALLY want to make the 5:05 – I said that was the train I was going to take – damn it, I’m taking that train!!”
I’m almost there — out of breath, feet hurting, sweating, back aching, running down the stairs to catch the PATH train that will take me to the 5:05 commuter train.
Phew, I made it!! I congratulate myself for this amazing feat. But I soon realize the PATH train is not moving. It’s DELAYED!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!! I realize after all that running and stressing out, I’m not even going to make the 5:05 after all.
Then the strangest thing happens… in an instant, I relax. The option for the 5:05 was now off the table; the choice was made for me. I realize there was a 5:12 train all along and I would definitely make that train. I took out my iPod and let myself enjoy some tunes.
“Ha! This seems ridiculous!” I said to myself, “only now could I finally relax?!?!”
On the rest of my commute home I thought about other goals in my life and where I need to relax and let things be. That’s easy – the pursuit of marriage and children. Instead of putting pressure on myself to be married by “X” age, I need to give myself permission to enjoy the ride instead of worrying about “missing the train.”
So often we find ourselves focused only on reaching goals that we miss the point – it’s about the journey, not the destination. Life is about making the most of every day. Savoring and celebrating all that you can while you move closer and closer towards your destination/end-goal.
So, I thought to myself, how do I want to live my life? On the path of the 5:05 (struggle, stress and worry)? Or relaxed, happy and enjoying the journey to my destination via the 5:12 train?
Either way, I’ll still make it to my destination (later than I expected) but happier and more relaxed. All I need to do is let go of trying to control when, where and how I’ll get there.
Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy. –Sarah Ban Breathnach
When Tracy Sullivan is not chasing down trains, she enjoys her life in Bedminster, NJ — good friends, a family she’s close to, and a career in Human Resources. She looks forward meeting the right guy to share that with, and in turn, to share his life, friends, and family.
Words of wisdom from Andrea Jung, Avon’s CEO
February 10, 2010
I had the privilege of sitting on a panel at NYU’s 18th Annual Stern Women in Business Conference on Friday. It was an inspiring day! Prospective students, current students, alumni and other professional women filled the crowd of over 300. There were corporate professionals, non-profit professional, entrepreneurs – all learning and connecting with each other.
The very appropriate theme of this year’s conference was Adaptation: Creating Opportunity on a Changing Environment. And the morning’s keynote speaker embodied the theme perfectly.
Andrea Jung, Chairman and CEO of Avon stood out from the crowd of black, navy and tan suits in her signature pearls and red dress. As CEO of Avon for the past 11 years, she is one of the most powerful and influential women in business. From the moment she stepped up to the podium and began speaking, her grace, humility and character had the audience captivated. Her words resonated with all of us and stayed with us throughout the day. She shared her personal story and a few key lessons she learned from mentors and coaches throughout her career.
“Follow your compass, not your clock.”
Like many of us, Andrea Jung wants to make an impact with her work. She shared how she had dreamed of joining the Peace Corp but did the “practical” thing and got a job out of college. But that desire to make a difference and have meaningful and fulfilling work stuck with her until she found her way to Avon.
Not only is she able to put her business acumen and innovative marketing skills to work in reviving the image of “your grandma’s company,” but she is also able to stand behind an organization known for making an impact in the lives of women across the globe everyday. Avon was one of the first, and still one of the few, companies that empower women to become entrepreneurs. Women in all parts of the world are earning money for their families, learning computer skills (all of Avon’s ordering is now done online), and through their independence becoming role models for younger generations. Not to mention that Avon is almost as well known for its charitable work as it is for its products – who hasn’t heard of the Avon Walks for Breast Cancer?
Her choice to have meaning and find passion in her work was put to the test in 1997 when she was passed over for promotion to CEO. Offers from other companies followed and she contemplated jumping ship. An honest conversation with a mentor reminder her of her need and desire to have passion in her work. Her mentor’s words, “Follow your compass, not your clock” helped her decide to stay on at Avon. Passion in her work was more important that having a fancy title. And that authentic and humble choice paid off. A short 20 months later, the job of CEO was hers.
“Fire yourself on Friday and rehire yourself on Monday.”
No matter what your role, there comes a moment in our careers when we need to look ourselves in the mirror and admit the path we’re on isn’t working and we need to change. But as we know, its human nature to resist change and to shy away from admitting we’re wrong. Jung faced this head-on at a critical moment in Avon’s history. She had been CEO for almost 5 years and although the company was making significant strides in turning their image around, it needed to do more if it was going to succeed. Hesitant to admit the strategies she had implemented weren’t working as well as expected, she was stuck watching the company fall behind.
Finally, her executive coach did what not many were willing to do and challenged Jung to have new, fresh eyes for her business or move on. He delivered the message in simple terms – ‘Fire yourself on Friday. Go home and really think about what the business needs to succeed. Hire yourself back on Monday in the new role as Turnaround Leader ready to make bold changes.’ And if she couldn’t do that, it was time to move on because she could no longer clearly separate herself from what the business needed to succeed. Having new, fresh eyes allows us to clearly see what bold changes need to happen.
“Bloom where you are planted.”
Throughout our careers, even the best of us are plagued by a bout of impatience. We want to move up the ladder quicker. We want to find the perfect role for us immediately. We want to make six (or seven) figures in our businesses. And most often, that impatience serves us well in driving us to succeed. However, we sometimes need to be reminded that it takes courage and perseverance to “bloom where you are planted.” This was a lesson Jung learned early on in her career. She was a new grad from Princeton and desperately wanted to be doing important work. She was frustrated with the entry-level tasks her boss had her doing. She even went home one day and declared to her parents that she was going to quit her job. They reminded her of the need to start from the bottom and work your way up. That its sometimes more courageous to persevere in your current situation. And this lesson helped her build the foundation she needed for her later success.
What about these three lessons resonates with you? What choices have you made at the defining moments of your career? What stories do you have to share?
Permission to Wallow Part 2 – Purposeful Wallowing
January 13, 2010
This post originally ran on September 3, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.
Yesterday, we discussed wallowing and explored its benefits. I shared how as a coach, I could get behind encouraging wallowing as a tool to gain insight and help you move forward. Today, I thought we’d to continue exploring by getting deeper into a real life example and sharing some practical ways for you to make the most of your wallowing.
Laura’s Story
Laura is a bright, energetic, driven corporate leader who’s worked her way up the ladder. She has invested 16 years into her career and is recognized as a subject matter expertise in her field. But something is missing and she’s burnt out. We began our work together by exploring a career path that would put her skills to use in a consulting capacity. It seemed like the logical thing to do and she was taking every step she was supposed to in order to generate leads and opportunities. In our last meeting however, she was still feeling stressed out and uneasy. So we took the opportunity to explore how she was feeling and get behind what they might be revealing to her. We explored what felt off, what felt right. We explored when in her work she felt stressed and when she felt strong and confident. Something began to shift in Laura. The tension began to break and you could see her sinking into her emotions. Over the following two weeks, Laura took time to wallow in those feelings and continue to look for the messages they might be sending her about her next career step. When I spoke with her yesterday, she was bubbling over with energy. Her deep reflection revealed a potential career path that she had never considered. She couldn’t believe she had previously overlooked it as an option. Her wallowing allowed her to confront and release her built up emotions. And when she paid attention to the root of her emotions, she was able to see a world of possibilities opening up before her.
The next time you feel a period of wallowing coming on, make the most of it. Pull out your journal and begin to capture all the feelings you’re having. Take a deep breath and truly allow yourself to experience your emotions. And ask yourself some reflective questions* about your emotions:
Fear – What is the threat? Is it real or perceived? What must I do to move into a position of safety?
Vulnerability – What belief, behavior or perception is being challenged? How might my life change if I accept and adapt to this new insight?
Anger – What must be protected? What boundary must be restored?
Frustration – What is the block? What can I do differently? Who can I ask for ideas or assistance?
Sadness (when you know loss is coming) – What must be released? What must be rejuvenated?
Grief (when you have no choice about the loss) – What must be mourned?
*Questions are adapted from The Emotional Life of Horses by Linda Kohanov. Copyright 2005 by Epona Equestrian Services. http://www.taoofequus.com/linda_kohanov.html
Career Transition – Permission to Wallow
January 13, 2010
This post originally ran on September 2, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.
In response to a recent posting about Terri’s 4-month journey to find a more meaningful role before being deported, one of our readers, Ellen, shared that rather than feeling motivated by Terri’s success, she somehow felt bad about it – like she couldn’t relate to this seemingly idyllic, inspirational tale. What about when we hit roadblocks, she wondered, or when we lack clarity and we’re overwhelmed by our emotions?
In her last line, Ellen somewhat sheepishly asked for permission to wallow in her emotions and it got me thinking. Why can’t we wallow, I wondered? Are there only downsides or can there be actual benefits to wallowing? And as a coach, could I encourage it as part of the career change process? What I discovered was overwhelming and unexpected. Yes! I can definitely get behind wallowing…to a point and with a purpose.
After much thought and reflection on my own career journey and the journey of the hundreds of clients I have worked with, few if any, were without setbacks and periods of sadness, frustration, anger and doubt. Yet it seems that for many of us, we’re afraid to sit too long with our feelings and emotions. We’ve come to see wallowing defined as self-pity, being self-absorbed and stagnating.
Well the way I’m looking at wallowing is somewhat different. Let me explain my line of thought.
wallow [wol-oh] –verb (used without object)
1. to roll about or lie in water, snow, mud, dust, or the like, as for refreshment: Goats wallowed in the dust.
2. to live self-indulgently; luxuriate; revel: to wallow in luxury; to wallow in sentimentality.
When reading the definition, you can see that wallowing implies being in the moment, allowing yourself the time and space to really take it all in, the good and bad. And from this perspective, I think wallowing in your emotions can be beneficial. In our career transitions, as in many other aspects of our work and life, we are very rarely encouraged to slow down and breathe; to regroup and reassess. As I see it, that’s what wallowing is all about. Wallowing allows you the opportunity to deeply feel your emotions and listen to the messages they are sending.
This quiet time allows you to really be with your emotions. If we take the time to really let our emotions in, we take a critical step towards being able to release them and move forward with greater ease. Additionally, we can learn powerful things from the messages they are sending us. Just don’t let yourself get stuck in the emotional mud.
So Ellen, permission is granted! We all need to do a bit of wallowing in order to be successful. Roll around in your feelings, revel in them. Learn all you can from them and use the insight to move you into inspired action.
Stay tuned for tomorrow when we’ll look at some ways to make the most of your wallowing.