Shedding Layers of the False Self
April 21, 2010
This past Monday I was lucky enough to spend the day at the barn with my friend and colleague Kathy Esper and the horses. Kathy is a coach certified in equine facilitated learning and in partnership with horses creates breakthroughs and transformations with her clients.
I have been a client of hers however this Monday, I partnered with Kathy to bring one of my clients to the barn for the experience.
And that’s what made my own breakthrough that day so unexpected.
Although the focus was on facilitating my client’s transformation, we each began our morning by setting intentions for the day. Without having preplanned it, the intention that came to me in the moment was to let go, to let loose and be silly; to be free and imperfect; to not care what I looked like or if I got it right or wrong; to just be open to the messiness of life and the curveballs it hurls our way.
It was in this mindset that I approached the day and the subtle synchronicity that followed took me a bit by surprise.
A late-morning exercise of pulling cards from the Free the Genie card deck beckoned me to “suspend my need for logic, data and practicality.” Was it a coincidence that this sounded a lot like the intention I set for the day? I was beginning to think not.
My curiosity was peaked, however these messages still didn’t mean much yet to me. The knowledge of them was still in my head – I hadn’t experienced it with the whole of my body and begun “to know” them at a cellular level.
Not until the afternoon lesson and exercise.
Kathy walked us through the process by which we create a false self throughout our lives to protect our egos and how we can begin to recognize our authentic or true self and free it from the binds of the false self. There are many ways the false self develops but the one that jumped off the page for me in flashing red lights was “energy is given to our image or how we look to others.”
A nervous giggle rose from my depths and my cheeks flushed with recognition and shame. How much energy do I still devote towards crafting my image and worrying what others think of me? More than I care to admit I’m afraid.
Here I was, coaching my client through a shedding of her false self and I was still clinging to pieces of mine. Do I admit it to her? Do I share my weakness and vulnerability, my imperfection?
I thought back to my intention of the morning and from the depths of my inner being, the answer was clear. Yes – I must admit it. And I did. I choked on my words as they first began to emerge but they got stronger as they flowed. I saw in her eyes a sense of gratitude that I was willing to be human with her. That I wasn’t above or beyond her in some way but right there with her in the sometimes painful and messy journey of personal development.
And if that didn’t stretch me out of my comfort zone, what happened next certainly did.
Kathy turned to me minutes before we were about to begin and shared that due to some other activities happening at the barn that day, we had to adapt our afternoon exercise with the horses. Although Kathy had planned to be the lead in coaching my client through the exercise (she was the certified expert after all), she now turned to me and said the only way it could be done was for me to take the lead.
The voice of fear (my false self) screamed in my head, “But I don’t know how to do this! I haven’t had time to prepare. You didn’t tell me I was going to have to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if I look stupid in front of my client and she wants to stop working with me?”
Then a tingle of excitement and anticipation spread throughout my body; a slight grin crossed my lips. Here was my stretch for the day. Here was my opportunity to live my intention. Here was a chance to shed a layer of my false self and further allow my true self to see the light of day.
I stepped up and took the lead in coaching my client through the exercise. Within moments, the world, the fears and the voice in my head fell away. It was just her and I, connected on a deep level. The questions I asked emerged from an unknown source. All fell into place. And not only did the horse we were working with recognize the connection and shift, but one by one the nearby horses stood and watched us. They held the space for us and knew something of great importance was happening for the two of us.
I am so happy that the day was transformational for my client. She confronted a block she’d been carrying with her for a while and was able to break through it.
And I am eternally grateful for the learning opportunity she provided me with that day. I walked away a better coach and a more authentic version of myself. There’s one less layer of my false self remaining.
How have you shed layers of your false self?
Where is your false self still clinging on?
What can you do to shed another layer and allow your true self to emerge?
Birthday Meanings and Celebrations
March 25, 2010
My birthday is next week and it’s got me thinking about the rituals we have for marking the occasion. This year, its one of those “big” ones (you know, the ones that end in either a 5 or a 0.) What does it mean? How do I celebrate?
I’ll admit that this year is no different than most; I’m filled with a little anxiety as the day approaches. “What do you want to do for your birthday?” my husband has started to ask. My typical response is, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much.” Life is busy and despite the fact that each year I want to give my birthday special attention, it usually approaches quickly and is gone before I know it.
What is it about birthdays? For me, I don’t have fear about getting older (although I admit I’m not happy with the increasing number of gray hairs or wrinkles I have.) My anxiety comes from wanting to find a significant way to mark the day. To properly acknowledge it’s meaning. But why do I have all these expectations weighing on me to mark it the right way? Do others feels this same way?
Meanings
What exactly is the meaning of birthdays? Why do we give them significance?I’m not sure I have the answers to those questions. These questions give rise to many others for me. Is it a celebration of the day we entered this world? Is it a day to mark that “I survived another year”? Is it recognition of the impact we’ve had in our lives? Is it just an excuse to eat, drink and be merry with friends and loved ones?
I’ve always thought of my birthday as the start of my new year – literally a day of rebirth for me. A day when I acknowledge that I’ve managed to make it through another year on the roller coaster of life; a day to take stock of all that I’m grateful for; a day to look ahead to what the next year of life has to offer. It’s a day that gives me new hope. Just as the tree and flower buds hold the potential of Summer’s abundance, the 29th of March holds the promise of 365 upcoming days to collect meaningful and fulfilling moments of life – to honor my values, to accomplish goals, learn and grow as a human being, to build new relationships and to strengthen old ones.
Celebrations
Big parties? Small intimate dinners or lunches? A cake with candles? Indulging in your favorite foods? A day of pampering? Getting away? Jump out of an airplane?
How to celebrate? This might be the part that causes the most anxiety for me. There’s something in me that feels like celebrating my birthday in a big way is self-indulgent. Like I’m making the assumption that others want to be part of celebrating “me.” But if its about marking all that the year has held for you and the promise of what’s to come, what’s better than surrounding yourself with love and spending the occasion with close friends and loved ones?
My guess is that they way you choose celebrate is all about the meaning you attribute to your birthday. This year, all I have planned so far is a home-cooked dinner with a small handful of close friends and family. I’m also giving myself the day off of work. I’d like to spend time outside in nature (weather permitting) and maybe partake in a little self-care by scheduling a much-needed haircut and maybe even a massage. Feels like a good plan but not sure it captures all that I’d like it to.
I’m very open to ideas and would love your help. What meaning does your birthday hold for you? What do you do to celebrate your birthday? Any favorite traditions you keep?
Anticipation
March 17, 2010
Expect the best. The world is working in your favor. -Cheryl Richardson
Two weeks from today will mark the one-year anniversary of when I left corporate America to launch my coaching business. The past year has flown by and it’s hard to believe how different my life is. I am fully engaged in meaningful and fulfilling work. I am taking care of myself and I have quality time with my friends and loved ones. Today, I’m filled with an appreciation of all I have and an anticipation of a richer, stronger future, and at the same time, I cant’ help but think of where I was one year ago.
The year leading up to my departure was a difficult one. Over the course of 12 months, I suffered two miscarriages, the second coming on the same day it was announced that the department I worked in was being dismantled (one of the many reorganization efforts to address the declining economic conditions.). Of my team of 50, 25 were laid off, 20 were asked to stay on temporarily to fulfill the team’s commitments and 5 were given new jobs.
I was one of the “lucky” five. But I didn’t feel so lucky. I didn’t want the role I was given (it was far from a good match with my strengths and interests) but I saw no choice but to take it. My visions of a future family and my career vanished in an instant.
At the time I was still reeling from my first miscarriage, so it’s an understatement to say I was in shock. I couldn’t find my footing. For the first time I could remember, I couldn’t see a way to process what was happening.
I couldn’t move on, so I threw myself into what I thought I did have control over.
I dove headlong into my new job and getting to know my new boss and team. I scheduled test after test with my doctor to try and uncover the reason why I was losing my pregnancies. I spent hours on the phone helping my colleagues manage their job losses.
The days turned to weeks and then to months and I hadn’t begun to process or grieve my losses. I was numb. I had no confidence. I’d burst into tears at the slightest thing.
I knew for certain that the job was a bad fit and draining the last bits of energy I had left. The hours were grueling and I wasn’t sleeping well. I developed TMJ and severe back and neck pain, and most painful of all, I saw how I was becoming more and more detached from friends and family. They were watching me disintegrate. But they didn’t know how to help and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed.
Slowly, I began to confide in my coach and a handful of trusted friends and family members. I asked for guidance. It wasn’t easy, but I realized that what I needed was time to grieve and assess what was next. I began to explore different options to get the time I needed. The more I learned about my options, the more I leaned towards taking a leave of absence. It would give me the time to focus on my health and wellbeing in a way that didn’t jeopardize my job.
After what felt like weeks of paperwork, my medical leave was approved. Over the next 9 weeks, I let myself grieve. I fully felt all of my emotions. I took time to heal my mind and body. I reconnected with loved ones. And I took the time to re-evaluate the priorities and purpose of my life.
Gone were my innocent notions that I could easily start a family or that having a job at a big company meant “security.” That much was certain. But in its place I found this simple recognition: life is short, and I deserve to pursue what makes me happy, healthy and fulfilled.
Those weeks allowed me to be comfortable with a thought that had been percolating for some time. The time was here to leave the “safety” of corporate America to follow my passions and launch my own coaching business. I would set out to help women like me navigate their career and life transitions. And I would build a life centered around fulfillment, health, and authenticity. I would become the role model I could be proud of for when the day came that I would be a mother.
I knew it was going to be challenging but deep inside I had an inner knowing and confidence that for the first time in my life, I was on the right path.
There have been ups and downs this past year but I am thrilled to share that there have been more ups than downs. Like most couples, my husband and I worry about money but we take comfort in our ability to save and plan while building a strong and profitable business. And although we have had to sacrifice some of the material comforts we once took for granted, we have re-connected with the simple things that bring us joy in life. Most importantly time with each other and with loved ones.
And best of all, I am doing work that I love, with people that I admire and am thrilled that I’m 21 weeks into a healthy pregnancy.
With great anticipation, I look forward to the days ahead and to my new role as a mother and emerging role as a successful business owner. I know things will be tough in the future – life always has its ups and downs. But I now know that I can handle whatever comes my way with the support of my friends and family.
“I am happy for this day and I expect good things – surprise me!”
Do You Trust What You Know? – Intuitive Knowledge
January 13, 2010
This post originally ran on August 12, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.
I bounced over to Jaye, the 28-year old dark brown, wise and majestic mare, with curry comb and brush in hand. The instructions from my coach Kathy were simple – I had 10 minutes to groom the horse and notice what I was feeling. I was in good spirits that day at the barn. I’d been working on getting my life in order and the results were showing. How hard could this job be, I thought? But as soon as I started using the comb to release dirt, Jaye turned her head to look at me. What did that mean? Was she uncomfortable? A moment later when she backed away, ever so slightly, I got my answer.
A horse is a powerful mirror.
The smile and hop in my step were quickly disappearing. Jaye and I were both uneasy and agitated. I didn’t like it. But I kept on going. And finally as I passed behind her to groom her other side, something happened. A deep breath entered my lungs without conscious thought. A release swept over my body and there was a noticeable weakness in my knees. I laid a hand on her to steady myself as I groomed with the other. We fell into sync. We were connected.
I knew instantly in that moment that Jaye had picked up on what was really going on with me before I did. She saw through my positive exterior and instantly recognized the fear deep inside. Uh, oh. But as I checked in with the feeling, I realized the fear was there, but it wasn’t paralyzing. It was that excited kind of fear; like when you’re on the brink of an amazing new journey. Ahh! So this is what I was meant to learn, huh? This is what you were trying to make me see!
Jaye reflected my mismatched emotions back to me until I paid attention. I wanted to hug her. Her gift was powerful. I felt warm, appreciative, known, accepted. I felt authentic, empowered, courageous. I was ready to face my fears.
And then it happened.
I looked up at my coach, flashed a smile loaded with the message, “I am complete with Jaye; is it ok if I’m done?” She smiled back giving no indication I had permission to stop. My 10 minutes must not be up yet. What do I do now?
So I ignored my gut and did what I was “supposed” to. I moved back to Jaye’s right side and kept on grooming until my 10 minutes were up. Those last two minutes were excruciating. We got agitated again. We lost our connection. I suddenly felt I was on stage for my audience to critique. I was doing it wrong. I let Jaye down. I failed. Everyone else was better than me. I ran back to my seat as fast as I could when time was called.
As she debriefed with me, my coach Kathy challenged me, “Where else in your business or life do you stop yourself from acting on your intuition? How has that held you back?” Another participant of the workshop threw in another one, ”Are you trying to be the “good girl” and do it “right” rather than taking authentic action?”
My mind raced through past experience where I ignored my intuition to disastrous results and those where I listened and although it felt risky, all turned out better than expected.
And almost like Jaye was still communicating with me from the barn, an opportunity to listen to my intuition showed up. I had been in conversation with a colleague about collaborating on a project together. On the surface, there was so much synergy that it seemed like a no-brainer. But the more we talked about it, the more drained I got. The more I felt trapped.
So during our next call, when the topic of how we’d work together came up, I took the chance and opened up. I had fears. I had reservations. It doesn’t feel like the right time for me. But I didn’t want to close the door to future collaboration.
Turns out the fears and doubts were mutual. We had a great conversation and things are better than ever between us. We’re finding other ways to support each other and keeping our eyes open for future opportunities to collaborate. I think we may have even saved our friendship from potential damage.
Trusting your intuition can be a challenging task even if we know the rewards.
To strengthen your awareness and integrate it into authentic action, try these following steps when faced with your next decision:
Check in with your body. Notice any feelings, twinges or stiffness. What message is this trying to tell you?
Check in with your emotions. Are you feeling fear, vulnerability, anger, frustration, sadness? Or happy, confident, empowered, clear, courageous? What message are these emotions trying to tell you?
Take action. Building the muscles around trusting your intuition take practice. Take a chance. Act in a way that honors the messages you received from your body and emotions.
Reflect. Take time to reflect on how this new authentic action felt for you. Did things blow up after you took the risk or was your risk rewarded with a pleasant surprise? How will you integrate what you learned the next time you’re faced with a decision?
Please share your stories with us. We’d love to hear how you’re learning and growing!
PS Remember how I wanted to hug Jaye for the gift she had given me? Well even though it felt like a silly request, before I left the barn that day, I shared my desire with Kathy. She led me straight into Jaye’s stall and I wrapped my arms around her. Thank you, I communicated with my embrace; I’m grateful you were here to teach me. And turns out it wasn’t so silly a request after all. One by one, my fellow workshop participants stepped into the stall asking for their chance at a hug.
Extraordinary Support – A Dad Less Ordinary
January 13, 2010
This post originally ran on June 22, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.
Yesterday was Father’s Day and this year, my thoughts took me well beyond the requisite Hallmark card sentiment of love and thanks to the impact my dad has had, and continues to have, on me.
This winter as I considered leaving my safe and stable corporate life for entrepreneurship I was surrounded by many naysayers. But among all those negative voices, one rose above and kept me afloat. And it usually began with, “so…I’ve been thinking…” Such simple words yet I’ve learned they carry with them a gift every time they’re uttered.
At a time when my fear of failure outweighed my desire for change, my dad said to me, “so I’ve been thinking…if you work with your clients to take risks and make big changes in their careers and lives, shouldn’t you be willing to do the same thing?”
I was blown over. He nailed it. This from a man that I had hardly given credit to for fully understanding my career as a coach. In one line, he said more to me and did more to boost my confidence in my decision than anyone had in the months leading up to that day.
Weeks later, his positive reinforcement continued. I got a call out of the blue – “so, I’ve been thinking…now is the right time for you to take this risk and see what you can make of it. There is a lot of negativity out there but if you can help people get back on their feet you will be doing a great thing. The world needs people like you helping out right now.” When I enthusiastically agreed and shared my fear of failure, he said confidently, “You can’t fail, you can only learn from this.” His confidence in me was like a safety net, a security blanket. I was getting braver.
The week I resigned corresponded with my birthday. A package arrived from my dad with two books in it. One was Home-Based Business for Dummies and the others was Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, M.D., F.I.C.S. I immediately understood the Dummies book but was unsure about Psycho-Cybernetics. I assumed it was something “coachy” he found online and thought I would be interested in.
A couple days later he called to see if I’d gotten it.
“So, what do you think about Psycho-Cybernetics?”
Well, I flipped though it; it seems interesting.
“Did I ever tell you about this book?”
No.
“I read this book when I was 22 and it was the most influential book I’d ever read. Its shaped the way I look at life ever since. It’s about how your mindset is powerful and helps you be successful. So I thought that since you were just starting out in your business, it was important for you to remember that.”
I could hardly comprehend what I was hearing. My eyes filled with tears. Not only had he never mentioned this life altering experience but here he was sharing so simply and eloquently his key to a successful and fulfilling life.
My dad isn’t the kind of guy you’d say had a charmed life. He grew up making due with what his two deaf parents could provide. He spent over 30 years working as a repairman for Sears always knowing he was capable of more but too afraid to risk the home and life he was providing for his family. Yet each day, he saw to it that he found something to enjoy. A moment with my mom, a catch with my brothers, a chat with me about what I dreamed of becoming one day, a laugh with friends, a walk in nature. What others may have seen as the life a blue-collar man was the life of a rich man to my dad. It wasn’t lavish, it most likely wasn’t all he ever dreamed of for himself, but it was all he needed.
Consciously or not, my father taught me these lessons – the importance of my outlook, to trust in myself, to always see the positive and what can be done. So instead of tickets to the ball game or an off the rack greeting card, this Father’s Day I want to say more than thanks. I want him to have the acknowledgement he deserves.
As I stepped to the edge and made the leap with his supportive hand in mine, I knew I was not only fulfilling my lifelong dream but part of his as well. More than anyone, he helped make it possible.