Anticipation

March 17, 2010

Expect the best. The world is working in your favor.  -Cheryl Richardson

Two weeks from today will mark the one-year anniversary of when I left corporate America to launch my coaching business.  The past year has flown by and it’s hard to believe how different my life is.  I am fully engaged in meaningful and fulfilling work. I am taking care of myself and I have quality time with my friends and loved ones. Today, I’m filled with an appreciation of all I have and an anticipation of a richer, stronger future, and at the same time, I cant’ help but think of where I was one year ago.

The year leading up to my departure was a difficult one. Over the course of 12 months, I suffered two miscarriages, the second coming on the same day it was announced that the department I worked in was being dismantled (one of the many reorganization efforts to address the declining economic conditions.). Of my team of 50, 25 were laid off, 20 were asked to stay on temporarily to fulfill the team’s commitments and 5 were given new jobs.

I was one of the “lucky” five. But I didn’t feel so lucky. I didn’t want the role I was given (it was far from a good match with my strengths and interests) but I saw no choice but to take it. My visions of a future family and my career vanished in an instant.

At the time I was still reeling from my first miscarriage, so it’s an understatement to say I was in shock.  I couldn’t find my footing.  For the first time I could remember, I couldn’t see a way to process what was happening.

I couldn’t move on, so I threw myself into what I thought I did have control over.

I dove headlong into my new job and getting to know my new boss and team.  I scheduled test after test with my doctor to try and uncover the reason why I was losing my pregnancies.  I spent hours on the phone helping my colleagues manage their job losses.

The days turned to weeks and then to months and I hadn’t begun to process or grieve my losses.  I was numb. I had no confidence. I’d burst into tears at the slightest thing.

I knew for certain that the job was a bad fit and draining the last bits of energy I had left. The hours were grueling and I wasn’t sleeping well.  I developed TMJ and severe back and neck pain, and most painful of all, I saw how I was becoming more and more detached from friends and family. They were watching me disintegrate. But they didn’t know how to help and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed.

Slowly, I began to confide in my coach and a handful of trusted friends and family members. I asked for guidance. It wasn’t easy, but I realized that what I needed was time to grieve and assess what was next.  I began to explore different options to get the time I needed. The more I learned about my options, the more I leaned towards taking a leave of absence.  It would give me the time to focus on my health and wellbeing in a way that didn’t jeopardize my job.

After what felt like weeks of paperwork, my medical leave was approved.  Over the next 9 weeks, I let myself grieve. I fully felt all of my emotions. I took time to heal my mind and body.  I reconnected with loved ones. And I took the time to re-evaluate the priorities and purpose of my life.

Gone were my innocent notions that I could easily start a family or that having a job at a big company meant “security.” That much was certain. But in its place I found this simple recognition:  life is short, and I deserve to pursue what makes me happy, healthy and fulfilled.

Those weeks allowed me to be comfortable with a thought that had been percolating for some time.  The time was here to leave the “safety” of corporate America to follow my passions and launch my own coaching business.  I would set out to help women like me navigate their career and life transitions.  And I would build a life centered around fulfillment, health, and authenticity.  I would become the role model I could be proud of for when the day came that I would be a mother.

I knew it was going to be challenging but deep inside I had an inner knowing and confidence that for the first time in my life, I was on the right path.

There have been ups and downs this past year but I am thrilled to share that there have been more ups than downs.  Like most couples, my husband and I worry about money but we take comfort in our ability to save and plan while building a strong and profitable business. And although we have had to sacrifice some of the material comforts we once took for granted, we have re-connected with the simple things that bring us joy in life.  Most importantly time with each other and with loved ones.

And best of all, I am doing work that I love, with people that I admire and am thrilled that I’m 21 weeks into a healthy pregnancy.

With great anticipation, I look forward to the days ahead and to my new role as a mother and emerging role as a successful business owner.  I know things will be tough in the future – life always has its ups and downs. But I now know that I can handle whatever comes my way with the support of my friends and family.

“I am happy for this day and I expect good things – surprise me!”