Shedding Layers of the False Self

April 21, 2010

This past Monday I was lucky enough to spend the day at the barn with my friend and colleague Kathy Esper and the horses.  Kathy is a coach certified in equine facilitated learning and in partnership with horses creates breakthroughs and transformations with her clients.

I have  been a client of hers however this Monday, I partnered with Kathy to bring one of my clients to the barn for the experience.

And that’s what made my own breakthrough that day so unexpected.

Although the focus was on facilitating my client’s transformation, we each began our morning by setting intentions for the day. Without having preplanned it, the intention that came to me in the moment was to let go, to let loose and be silly; to be free and imperfect; to not care what I looked like or if I got it right or wrong; to just be open to the messiness of life and the curveballs it hurls our way.

It was in this mindset that I approached the day and the subtle synchronicity that followed took me a bit by surprise.

A late-morning exercise of pulling cards from the Free the Genie card deck beckoned me to “suspend my need for logic, data and practicality.” Was it a coincidence that this sounded a lot like the intention I set for the day? I was beginning to think not.

My curiosity was peaked, however these messages still didn’t mean much yet to me.  The knowledge of them was still in my head – I hadn’t experienced it with the whole of my body and begun “to know” them at a cellular level.

Not until the afternoon lesson and exercise.

Kathy walked us through the process by which we create a false self throughout our lives to protect our egos and how we can begin to recognize our authentic or true self and free it from the binds of the false self.  There are many ways the false self develops but the one that jumped off the page for me in flashing red lights was “energy is given to our image or how we look to others.”

A nervous giggle rose from my depths and my cheeks flushed with recognition and shame. How much energy do I still devote towards crafting my image and worrying what others think of me?  More than I care to admit I’m afraid.

Here I was, coaching my client through a shedding of her false self and I was still clinging to pieces of mine.  Do I admit it to her?  Do I share my weakness and vulnerability, my imperfection?

I thought back to my intention of the morning and from the depths of my inner being, the answer was clear.  Yes – I must admit it. And I did.  I choked on my words as they first began to emerge but they got stronger as they flowed.  I saw in her eyes a sense of gratitude that I was willing to be human with her.  That I wasn’t above or beyond her in some way but right there with her in the sometimes painful and messy journey of personal development.

And if that didn’t stretch me out of my comfort zone, what happened next certainly did.

Kathy turned to me minutes before we were about to begin and shared that due to some other activities happening at the barn that day, we had to adapt our afternoon exercise with the horses.  Although Kathy had planned to be the lead in coaching my client through the exercise (she was the certified expert after all), she now turned to me and said the only way it could be done was for me to take the lead.

The voice of fear (my false self) screamed in my head, “But I don’t know how to do this! I haven’t had time to prepare. You didn’t tell me I was going to have to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if I look stupid in front of my client and she wants to stop working with me?”

Then a tingle of excitement and anticipation spread throughout my body; a slight grin crossed my lips.  Here was my stretch for the day.  Here was my opportunity to live my intention.  Here was a chance to shed a layer of my false self and further allow my true self to see the light of day.

I stepped up and took the lead in coaching my client through the exercise.  Within moments, the world, the fears and the voice in my head fell away.  It was just her and I, connected on a deep level.  The questions I asked emerged from an unknown source.  All fell into place.  And not only did the horse we were working with recognize the connection and shift, but one by one the nearby horses stood and watched us.  They held the space for us and knew something of great importance was happening for the two of us.

I am so happy that the day was transformational for my client.  She confronted a block she’d been carrying with her for a while and was able to break through it.

And I am eternally grateful for the learning opportunity she provided me with that day.  I walked away a better coach and a more authentic version of myself. There’s one less layer of my false self remaining.

How have you shed layers of your false self?

Where is your false self still clinging on?

What can you do to shed another layer and allow your true self to emerge?

Retreats – A Nourishing Investment

April 12, 2010

Retreat: A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude. A period of group withdrawal for prayer, meditation, or study.

What is it about taking time away from your day-to-day routine that can be so energizing?  The way I see it, the off-site meeting at work, the training session, the yoga retreat, etc – they all rely on some key fundamental principles.

A mental and physical break from the daily grind: Our thought patterns and behaviors fall into habitual patterns. And while these patterns can be beneficial (take less conscious time and energy), they can also allow us to fall into stagnation. Creativity is stifled, perspectives become limited, and we lose some flexibility and adaptability.

Change in perspective: When we’re in a rut, our perspective begins to narrow and we only see what we’re used to seeing.  Getting away allows you to see the world with new eyes and notice what we had inadvertently become blind to.

Distraction-free environment: Our day-to-day lives are full of distractions – phone calls, email, instant messages, Facebook, a buzzing Blackberry, meetings, TV, taking the kids to practice, etc.  The list is endless.  A retreat allows you to put all of that aside for a short while. And with the distractions removed, our minds are free to quiet down and focus on what is before us.

Reconnection to potential and possibilities: No matter what type of retreat you are engaging in, there will likely be a spirit of new beginnings that permeates. Stepping away brings with it the hope of positive change and the expectation that we will find clarity and solutions.  We are connected with the energy of potential and our hearts and minds become open to the possibilities.

Investment in the future: By nature, taking time to break away from your routine implies making an investment in a more promising future state.  It is a time of learning and growth, of laying a strong foundation to build upon. You walk away with a new vision, new skills to try out in the “real world” and new awareness.

Knowing how valuable these days are to our spirit and success, I began offering private retreat programs to my coaching clients this year.  If these principles work for business planning meetings, training sessions, yoga or spirituality, why couldn’t they work for career discovery?

After our days together, I’m seeing the light return to my client’s eyes.  They have renewed hope and energy to make their dreams a reality.  They’re walking away with a new connection to their authentic selves, inspiring visions of what’s possible and action steps to take to bring their visions to life.  And then we’re spending our coaching time in the months following their retreats on building momentum, navigating unexpected hurdles and staying focused on the goal.

Taking time away from the day-to-day is essential in re-energizing, reconnecting and investing in a more fulfilling future.

When was the last time you took a day to yourself? What have your experiences with retreats been?

Is meditation part of your life?

April 1, 2010

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.  -Dalai Lama

For many years, I heard about how adding meditation to your day could significantly increase your happiness, satisfaction and health as well as reduce stress.

At first, I wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t get it. I thought to myself, “I have no time to waste on meditation! I can’t sit still and do nothing for 30 minutes!!! And what is meditation anyway and how do I do it??”

Over time, when things started to get stressful at work and in my personal life, I began looking for a way to get through it. I slowly became open to the idea of meditation and began to learn about different techniques and try them out.

Although I’m not yet disciplined to have a daily meditation practice, my experience over the past several years has shown me how beneficial it can be. I have gone from frantic states to a sense of calm and inner peace.  In my work and in my personal life, I have seen how finding calmness in my inner world allows me to manage my external world.  My moods are more even, I am able to refresh and energize myself without caffeine, and I am able to be more efficient in my work.

For instance, this past week, the gray skies and constant rain were getting to me. Congestion and a sore throat had me tired and foggy-headed. Stress started to increase and focus started to decrease. I knew I couldn’t get through the rest of my day until I did something to change the course I was on.

So instead of listening to that old voice that said meditation was a waste of time and that I needed to just sit there until I got my work done, I stepped away from my desk for 45 valuable minutes.  I listened to my CD, Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace by Susie Mantell.  And I followed it with 15 minutes of stretching and using my Back Buddy to release tension in my neck and shoulders.

Forty-five minutes later, my perspective had shifted.  My neck pain and tension melted away.  I got back to my desk and there in my inbox were a few emails I had been waiting for and all contained good news. And I knocked off several items that had been lingering on my to-do list all week.  Plus I had enough energy to entertain the members of my book club that were coming over that night.

I know I have a long way to go to improve my meditation practice, but I suspect it will always be in my life. I guess that’s why they call it a practice.  It takes dedication to incorporate into your life and years to increase your skill and ability.  I thank all of you who encouraged me to try meditation and hope to inspire others to give it a try.

Do you meditate?

What are your favorite techniques? Do you have any favorite CDs or DVDs?

How has meditation made a positive difference in your life?

What inspirational stories do you have to give others out there reason to give it a try?

Or have you thought about meditation but were afraid to try?

“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of mediation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.”    - Buddha

Anticipation

March 17, 2010

Expect the best. The world is working in your favor.  -Cheryl Richardson

Two weeks from today will mark the one-year anniversary of when I left corporate America to launch my coaching business.  The past year has flown by and it’s hard to believe how different my life is.  I am fully engaged in meaningful and fulfilling work. I am taking care of myself and I have quality time with my friends and loved ones. Today, I’m filled with an appreciation of all I have and an anticipation of a richer, stronger future, and at the same time, I cant’ help but think of where I was one year ago.

The year leading up to my departure was a difficult one. Over the course of 12 months, I suffered two miscarriages, the second coming on the same day it was announced that the department I worked in was being dismantled (one of the many reorganization efforts to address the declining economic conditions.). Of my team of 50, 25 were laid off, 20 were asked to stay on temporarily to fulfill the team’s commitments and 5 were given new jobs.

I was one of the “lucky” five. But I didn’t feel so lucky. I didn’t want the role I was given (it was far from a good match with my strengths and interests) but I saw no choice but to take it. My visions of a future family and my career vanished in an instant.

At the time I was still reeling from my first miscarriage, so it’s an understatement to say I was in shock.  I couldn’t find my footing.  For the first time I could remember, I couldn’t see a way to process what was happening.

I couldn’t move on, so I threw myself into what I thought I did have control over.

I dove headlong into my new job and getting to know my new boss and team.  I scheduled test after test with my doctor to try and uncover the reason why I was losing my pregnancies.  I spent hours on the phone helping my colleagues manage their job losses.

The days turned to weeks and then to months and I hadn’t begun to process or grieve my losses.  I was numb. I had no confidence. I’d burst into tears at the slightest thing.

I knew for certain that the job was a bad fit and draining the last bits of energy I had left. The hours were grueling and I wasn’t sleeping well.  I developed TMJ and severe back and neck pain, and most painful of all, I saw how I was becoming more and more detached from friends and family. They were watching me disintegrate. But they didn’t know how to help and I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed.

Slowly, I began to confide in my coach and a handful of trusted friends and family members. I asked for guidance. It wasn’t easy, but I realized that what I needed was time to grieve and assess what was next.  I began to explore different options to get the time I needed. The more I learned about my options, the more I leaned towards taking a leave of absence.  It would give me the time to focus on my health and wellbeing in a way that didn’t jeopardize my job.

After what felt like weeks of paperwork, my medical leave was approved.  Over the next 9 weeks, I let myself grieve. I fully felt all of my emotions. I took time to heal my mind and body.  I reconnected with loved ones. And I took the time to re-evaluate the priorities and purpose of my life.

Gone were my innocent notions that I could easily start a family or that having a job at a big company meant “security.” That much was certain. But in its place I found this simple recognition:  life is short, and I deserve to pursue what makes me happy, healthy and fulfilled.

Those weeks allowed me to be comfortable with a thought that had been percolating for some time.  The time was here to leave the “safety” of corporate America to follow my passions and launch my own coaching business.  I would set out to help women like me navigate their career and life transitions.  And I would build a life centered around fulfillment, health, and authenticity.  I would become the role model I could be proud of for when the day came that I would be a mother.

I knew it was going to be challenging but deep inside I had an inner knowing and confidence that for the first time in my life, I was on the right path.

There have been ups and downs this past year but I am thrilled to share that there have been more ups than downs.  Like most couples, my husband and I worry about money but we take comfort in our ability to save and plan while building a strong and profitable business. And although we have had to sacrifice some of the material comforts we once took for granted, we have re-connected with the simple things that bring us joy in life.  Most importantly time with each other and with loved ones.

And best of all, I am doing work that I love, with people that I admire and am thrilled that I’m 21 weeks into a healthy pregnancy.

With great anticipation, I look forward to the days ahead and to my new role as a mother and emerging role as a successful business owner.  I know things will be tough in the future – life always has its ups and downs. But I now know that I can handle whatever comes my way with the support of my friends and family.

“I am happy for this day and I expect good things – surprise me!”

All About the Journey

February 23, 2010

Today’s post was written by guest blogger and my dear friend and colleague, Tracy Sullivan.

The 5:05 or the 5:12? I asked myself this question one ordinary weekday as I was planning my commute home from NY to NJ.

The 5:05 train will get me home faster. No need to transfer trains or wait on a cold platform. I’ll have to hustle, but I decided I can do it.

The next 30 minutes are a blur. I throw on my coat, strap on my backpack. My mission is to catch the 5:05. No one can stop me.  My breath quickens, my neck tightens, and my face is serious with a look that says “out of my way!”

Off I go – sprinting through the streets of lower Manhattan. With each step I’m lost in my thoughts –

“Will I make it?”

“Why won’t this person get out of my way?”

“Don’t they know I have to catch the 5:05???”

“Oh man I wish I had on my sneakers – these shoes are killing me!”

“I don’t know if I’ll make it! Tick-tock!”

“Damn – this sucks, I want to make the 5:05! 5:05! 5:05!!!”

I am so fixated on the time it’s as if I might vanish into thin air if I don’t make this 5:05 train.

Back to my racing thoughts, “what’s so important about this 5:05 train anyway?” My mind begins to shift – “Isn’t there another train right after? Wouldn’t it be easier to simply slow down, relax and just take the 5:12?”

Yeah, sure, that makes sense.

“But no, I REALLY want to make the 5:05 – I said that was the train I was going to take – damn it, I’m taking that train!!”

I’m almost there — out of breath, feet hurting, sweating, back aching, running down the stairs to catch the PATH train that will take me to the 5:05 commuter train.

Phew, I made it!! I congratulate myself for this amazing feat. But I soon realize the PATH train is not moving. It’s DELAYED!!!!!!

NO!!!!!!!! I realize after all that running and stressing out, I’m not even going to make the 5:05 after all.

Then the strangest thing happens… in an instant, I relax.  The option for the 5:05 was now off the table; the choice was made for me. I realize there was a 5:12 train all along and I would definitely make that train. I took out my iPod and let myself enjoy some tunes.

“Ha! This seems ridiculous!” I said to myself, “only now could I finally relax?!?!”

On the rest of my commute home I thought about other goals in my life and where I need to relax and let things be. That’s easy – the pursuit of marriage and children. Instead of putting pressure on myself to be married by “X” age, I need to give myself permission to enjoy the ride instead of worrying about “missing the train.”

So often we find ourselves focused only on reaching goals that we miss the point – it’s about the journey, not the destination. Life is about making the most of every day. Savoring and celebrating all that you can while you move closer and closer towards your destination/end-goal.

So, I thought to myself, how do I want to live my life? On the path of the 5:05 (struggle, stress and worry)? Or relaxed, happy and enjoying the journey to my destination via the 5:12 train?

Either way, I’ll still make it to my destination (later than I expected) but happier and more relaxed.  All I need to do is let go of trying to control when, where and how I’ll get there.

Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy. –Sarah Ban Breathnach

When Tracy Sullivan is not chasing down trains, she enjoys her life in Bedminster, NJ — good friends, a family she’s close to, and a career in Human Resources. She looks forward meeting the right guy to share that with, and in turn, to share his life, friends, and family.

Just Do It! Advice From Nike in 2010

January 27, 2010

I’m being haunted by a voice in my head.  The longtime slogan of Nike keeps ringing in my ears – JUST DO IT!

It seems to be my emerging theme for 2010.

As 2009 drew to a close, I began to notice in many of my clients, in myself and in those around me a collective “holding back”.  Action seemed to take a back burner during the holiday months as the fears of the economy mounted and frustrations of draining, unfulfilling work got the best of us.

For me, it showed up as a kind of paralysis.  My list of to do’s was long, yet each day I spent more time staring at my list than I did accomplishing even the most minor of tasks on it.  I knew I should be doing more yet there was this feeling of “waiting” that came over me.

“Why start something new now?” the voice questioned, “It’s the holidays. Take time off.  Don’t work so hard. Wait until January.”

Was this normal holiday haze or was it something different? The frustrating part for me was that I knew what I needed to do.  I had taken the time to plan.  I had taken the time to explore my fears and know what my blocks were.  But still, there was no action.

As I probed deeper, memories from my last December in corporate America came flooding to my mind and body. The exhaustion caused by the long hours and the push to get the last bit of work done before the holiday break.  I remembered my resentment at the late evening and weekend phone calls with my team that crept into my celebration and shopping time. And unconsciously there was this protective part of me that wasn’t going to let that happen this year now that I was my own boss.

But was I stuck in neutral in spite of myself?  Was I really protecting myself or was I hurting myself and my business? My guess is that I won’t know until more time passes and I have the clarity of hindsight. (I’ll keep  you posted.)

And despite the lack of clarity, something did shift for me.  In the days leading up to the New Year, the itch began to grow.  I started checking things off my list and getting excited to start work again.

And now that 2010 is in full swing, I am seeing the results of my new Just Do It! motto.  How am I doing it?  By following a few simple “rules” I’ve learned over the years.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post when I’ll share these simple tips.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you.  What was your energy like at the close of 2009?  Has that changed in 2010?  What are you doing to stay in action and move towards your goals?

Career Transition – Permission to Wallow

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on September 2, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

In response to a recent posting about Terri’s 4-month journey to find a more meaningful role before being deported, one of our readers, Ellen, shared that rather than feeling motivated by Terri’s success, she somehow felt bad about it – like she couldn’t relate to this seemingly idyllic, inspirational tale.  What about when we hit roadblocks, she wondered, or when we lack clarity and we’re overwhelmed by our emotions?

In her last line, Ellen somewhat sheepishly asked for permission to wallow in her emotions and it got me thinking. Why can’t we wallow, I wondered?  Are there only downsides or can there be actual benefits to wallowing?  And as a coach, could I encourage it as part of the career change process?  What I discovered was overwhelming and unexpected. Yes! I can definitely get behind wallowing…to a point and with a purpose.

After much thought and reflection on my own career journey and the journey of the hundreds of clients I have worked with, few if any, were without setbacks and periods of sadness, frustration, anger and doubt.  Yet it seems that for many of us, we’re afraid to sit too long with our feelings and emotions.  We’ve come to see wallowing defined as self-pity, being self-absorbed and stagnating.

Well the way I’m looking at wallowing is somewhat different.  Let me explain my line of thought.

wallow [wol-oh] –verb (used without object)
1.    to roll about or lie in water, snow, mud, dust, or the like, as for refreshment: Goats wallowed in the dust.
2.    to live self-indulgently; luxuriate; revel: to wallow in luxury; to wallow in sentimentality.

When reading the definition, you can see that wallowing implies being in the moment, allowing yourself the time and space to really take it all in, the good and bad.  And from this perspective, I think wallowing in your emotions can be beneficial.  In our career transitions, as in many other aspects of our work and life, we are very rarely encouraged to slow down and breathe; to regroup and reassess.  As I see it, that’s what wallowing is all about.  Wallowing allows you the opportunity to deeply feel your emotions and listen to the messages they are sending.

This quiet time allows you to really be with your emotions. If we take the time to really let our emotions in, we take a critical step towards being able to release them and move forward with greater ease.  Additionally, we can learn powerful things from the messages they are sending us. Just don’t let yourself get stuck in the emotional mud.

So Ellen, permission is granted!  We all need to do a bit of wallowing in order to be successful.  Roll around in your feelings, revel in them.  Learn all you can from them and use the insight to move you into inspired action.
Stay tuned for tomorrow when we’ll look at some ways to make the most of your wallowing.

What’s life got to do with it? – Extraordinary Foundation

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on July 30, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

Has this ever happened to you? You had an unfocused, unproductive week at work and you couldn’t understand why!

That’s what happened to me last week. I thought I had everything in place – a 3-year business vision, annual goals, monthly revenue projections, a marketing strategy, monthly goals, daily and weekly action steps, two weekly calls with my accountability partner Phil…Yet I still couldn’t get out of my own way. I couldn’t manage to sit down and accomplish much. My attention wandered, I was distracted by email, doing laundry and waiting for the next post to pop up on Facebook. I was having trouble sleeping and was exhausted most of the day.

What was up? What kind of coach and role model was I being? I followed all the rules, implemented all the systems for success and still nothing could break me out of my unproductive funk.

Disturbed, I pulled out my journal and began to write down any thought that came into my head. Surprisingly, not many of them were work related. Here’s what came out on the page – I’ve been struggling with the chronic illness of a family member, worried about my husband and concerned how much longer he can endure working at his unfulfilling job while managing a job search in this economy, feeling guilty because I’ve been busy and out of touch with friend and family, worried about money, and frustrated that I haven’t finished my home office renovations yet.

My guess is a few of these ring true for you as well. So many of us push through the daily tasks of our work telling ourselves that we’ll get to our personal lives later, when we’re done with work. Yet work never quite seems to end and later keeps getting pushed off. And if you’re like me, when I don’t take time to focus on my personal life, honor what’s important to me and process my emotions, I feel like I’m on shaky ground, carrying a bag of rocks around with me through dense fog. And boy does it wipe me out trying to work while I’m carrying those rocks through the fog! Whether we’re conscious of it or not, our personal life is with us during our workday. The unresolved issues and unprocessed emotions take space in your brain; they mentally (and physically) wear you out and keep you from doing your best work.

As I’ve moved through my career, I’ve noticed my tolerance for pushing off my personal life has decreased as the impact it has on my professional success increases. I now see self-care as a top priority not only in having a high quality of life but also in my career success. If I don’t have the solid foundation of my personal life, no matter how hard I try, I cannot be fully present and successful in running my business.

So when it hit me last week that life was getting in the way of business, I took swift action. I made time for some self-care, I got in touch with friends and family, I talked to my coach, did some financial planning and finally got my home office together.
The energy shift was amazing! Not only do I feel good about the attention I paid to my personal life but in less than a week’s time, I’ve gotten many tasks off the work to-do list and several doors have opened to exciting and unexpected opportunities.
I am taking away a powerful lesson from this experience; a critical key to career success is making your personal life a priority. Taking time to care for yourself, process your emotions and nourish your relationships not only frees you from carrying that bag of rocks through fog, it also is a vital source of energy to accomplish nothing less than the extraordinary in your business and career!

What’s standing the way of your career success? What needs handling in your personal life? What support do you need to move forward?

Successful Job Searching – Extraordinary Mindset

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on July 14, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

“No one’s hiring.”

“There are so many people like me looking for a job.”

“No one’s gotten back to me.”

“I’m not qualified.” “I’m over qualified.”

“I’ll never find a new job.”

Sound familiar? Most people we talk to these days with are in career transition.
They’re out searching for the few available positions in a market flooded with many qualified candidates. The odds may seem stacked against you. The search can feel daunting and emotions can begin to swirl – lack of confidence, desperation, feeling like you have to “sell” yourself and your soul for a steady paycheck.

Last week, I had two conversations with colleagues actively engaged in the job search process and the two couldn’t have been more different.

“Bob” sounded like the quotes above. He’s discouraged. He lacks confidence. He’s questioning his abilities. He feels like he’s tried everything and still can’t find a new job. He feels isolated. He feels like a failure.

“Joe” on the other hand sounded upbeat. He believes that although he’s been searching for over six months and unemployment is getting close to running out, he will find something that he loves. He is 100% confident in his success. He’s got back-up plans to make money and pay the bills while he searches. He’s being creative about aligning his passions and his career. He is constantly talking to friends, family, and even near strangers about his ideas and opportunities.

This stark contrast got me thinking about what sets people apart in their job search. Both Bob and Joe are smart, qualified and experienced professionals.  Yet something is different.  I began to suspect that what makes you successful is not just what you’re “doing” but how you’re “being.” It seems to me that the success of your job search is highly related to, if not dependent on your mindset.

Our mindset is our attitude, disposition or mood. And often times, we aren’t conscious of the influence our mindset can have on our success or lack there of. You could be “doing” all the right things but showing up in a way that undermines your potential.

But how do we change it? How do we set ourselves up with a mindset that positively influences our job search success? How do we even realize what our mindset is at any given moment?
What stories do you have to share?
Is your mindset playing a role in your success?
Did you notice a moment when your mindset shifted from Bob’s to Joe’s?
How does it feel to be in these mindsets?