Shedding Layers of the False Self

April 21, 2010

This past Monday I was lucky enough to spend the day at the barn with my friend and colleague Kathy Esper and the horses.  Kathy is a coach certified in equine facilitated learning and in partnership with horses creates breakthroughs and transformations with her clients.

I have  been a client of hers however this Monday, I partnered with Kathy to bring one of my clients to the barn for the experience.

And that’s what made my own breakthrough that day so unexpected.

Although the focus was on facilitating my client’s transformation, we each began our morning by setting intentions for the day. Without having preplanned it, the intention that came to me in the moment was to let go, to let loose and be silly; to be free and imperfect; to not care what I looked like or if I got it right or wrong; to just be open to the messiness of life and the curveballs it hurls our way.

It was in this mindset that I approached the day and the subtle synchronicity that followed took me a bit by surprise.

A late-morning exercise of pulling cards from the Free the Genie card deck beckoned me to “suspend my need for logic, data and practicality.” Was it a coincidence that this sounded a lot like the intention I set for the day? I was beginning to think not.

My curiosity was peaked, however these messages still didn’t mean much yet to me.  The knowledge of them was still in my head – I hadn’t experienced it with the whole of my body and begun “to know” them at a cellular level.

Not until the afternoon lesson and exercise.

Kathy walked us through the process by which we create a false self throughout our lives to protect our egos and how we can begin to recognize our authentic or true self and free it from the binds of the false self.  There are many ways the false self develops but the one that jumped off the page for me in flashing red lights was “energy is given to our image or how we look to others.”

A nervous giggle rose from my depths and my cheeks flushed with recognition and shame. How much energy do I still devote towards crafting my image and worrying what others think of me?  More than I care to admit I’m afraid.

Here I was, coaching my client through a shedding of her false self and I was still clinging to pieces of mine.  Do I admit it to her?  Do I share my weakness and vulnerability, my imperfection?

I thought back to my intention of the morning and from the depths of my inner being, the answer was clear.  Yes – I must admit it. And I did.  I choked on my words as they first began to emerge but they got stronger as they flowed.  I saw in her eyes a sense of gratitude that I was willing to be human with her.  That I wasn’t above or beyond her in some way but right there with her in the sometimes painful and messy journey of personal development.

And if that didn’t stretch me out of my comfort zone, what happened next certainly did.

Kathy turned to me minutes before we were about to begin and shared that due to some other activities happening at the barn that day, we had to adapt our afternoon exercise with the horses.  Although Kathy had planned to be the lead in coaching my client through the exercise (she was the certified expert after all), she now turned to me and said the only way it could be done was for me to take the lead.

The voice of fear (my false self) screamed in my head, “But I don’t know how to do this! I haven’t had time to prepare. You didn’t tell me I was going to have to do this. What if I do it wrong? What if I look stupid in front of my client and she wants to stop working with me?”

Then a tingle of excitement and anticipation spread throughout my body; a slight grin crossed my lips.  Here was my stretch for the day.  Here was my opportunity to live my intention.  Here was a chance to shed a layer of my false self and further allow my true self to see the light of day.

I stepped up and took the lead in coaching my client through the exercise.  Within moments, the world, the fears and the voice in my head fell away.  It was just her and I, connected on a deep level.  The questions I asked emerged from an unknown source.  All fell into place.  And not only did the horse we were working with recognize the connection and shift, but one by one the nearby horses stood and watched us.  They held the space for us and knew something of great importance was happening for the two of us.

I am so happy that the day was transformational for my client.  She confronted a block she’d been carrying with her for a while and was able to break through it.

And I am eternally grateful for the learning opportunity she provided me with that day.  I walked away a better coach and a more authentic version of myself. There’s one less layer of my false self remaining.

How have you shed layers of your false self?

Where is your false self still clinging on?

What can you do to shed another layer and allow your true self to emerge?

Retreats – A Nourishing Investment

April 12, 2010

Retreat: A period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude. A period of group withdrawal for prayer, meditation, or study.

What is it about taking time away from your day-to-day routine that can be so energizing?  The way I see it, the off-site meeting at work, the training session, the yoga retreat, etc – they all rely on some key fundamental principles.

A mental and physical break from the daily grind: Our thought patterns and behaviors fall into habitual patterns. And while these patterns can be beneficial (take less conscious time and energy), they can also allow us to fall into stagnation. Creativity is stifled, perspectives become limited, and we lose some flexibility and adaptability.

Change in perspective: When we’re in a rut, our perspective begins to narrow and we only see what we’re used to seeing.  Getting away allows you to see the world with new eyes and notice what we had inadvertently become blind to.

Distraction-free environment: Our day-to-day lives are full of distractions – phone calls, email, instant messages, Facebook, a buzzing Blackberry, meetings, TV, taking the kids to practice, etc.  The list is endless.  A retreat allows you to put all of that aside for a short while. And with the distractions removed, our minds are free to quiet down and focus on what is before us.

Reconnection to potential and possibilities: No matter what type of retreat you are engaging in, there will likely be a spirit of new beginnings that permeates. Stepping away brings with it the hope of positive change and the expectation that we will find clarity and solutions.  We are connected with the energy of potential and our hearts and minds become open to the possibilities.

Investment in the future: By nature, taking time to break away from your routine implies making an investment in a more promising future state.  It is a time of learning and growth, of laying a strong foundation to build upon. You walk away with a new vision, new skills to try out in the “real world” and new awareness.

Knowing how valuable these days are to our spirit and success, I began offering private retreat programs to my coaching clients this year.  If these principles work for business planning meetings, training sessions, yoga or spirituality, why couldn’t they work for career discovery?

After our days together, I’m seeing the light return to my client’s eyes.  They have renewed hope and energy to make their dreams a reality.  They’re walking away with a new connection to their authentic selves, inspiring visions of what’s possible and action steps to take to bring their visions to life.  And then we’re spending our coaching time in the months following their retreats on building momentum, navigating unexpected hurdles and staying focused on the goal.

Taking time away from the day-to-day is essential in re-energizing, reconnecting and investing in a more fulfilling future.

When was the last time you took a day to yourself? What have your experiences with retreats been?

Is meditation part of your life?

April 1, 2010

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.  -Dalai Lama

For many years, I heard about how adding meditation to your day could significantly increase your happiness, satisfaction and health as well as reduce stress.

At first, I wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t get it. I thought to myself, “I have no time to waste on meditation! I can’t sit still and do nothing for 30 minutes!!! And what is meditation anyway and how do I do it??”

Over time, when things started to get stressful at work and in my personal life, I began looking for a way to get through it. I slowly became open to the idea of meditation and began to learn about different techniques and try them out.

Although I’m not yet disciplined to have a daily meditation practice, my experience over the past several years has shown me how beneficial it can be. I have gone from frantic states to a sense of calm and inner peace.  In my work and in my personal life, I have seen how finding calmness in my inner world allows me to manage my external world.  My moods are more even, I am able to refresh and energize myself without caffeine, and I am able to be more efficient in my work.

For instance, this past week, the gray skies and constant rain were getting to me. Congestion and a sore throat had me tired and foggy-headed. Stress started to increase and focus started to decrease. I knew I couldn’t get through the rest of my day until I did something to change the course I was on.

So instead of listening to that old voice that said meditation was a waste of time and that I needed to just sit there until I got my work done, I stepped away from my desk for 45 valuable minutes.  I listened to my CD, Your Present: A Half-Hour of Peace by Susie Mantell.  And I followed it with 15 minutes of stretching and using my Back Buddy to release tension in my neck and shoulders.

Forty-five minutes later, my perspective had shifted.  My neck pain and tension melted away.  I got back to my desk and there in my inbox were a few emails I had been waiting for and all contained good news. And I knocked off several items that had been lingering on my to-do list all week.  Plus I had enough energy to entertain the members of my book club that were coming over that night.

I know I have a long way to go to improve my meditation practice, but I suspect it will always be in my life. I guess that’s why they call it a practice.  It takes dedication to incorporate into your life and years to increase your skill and ability.  I thank all of you who encouraged me to try meditation and hope to inspire others to give it a try.

Do you meditate?

What are your favorite techniques? Do you have any favorite CDs or DVDs?

How has meditation made a positive difference in your life?

What inspirational stories do you have to give others out there reason to give it a try?

Or have you thought about meditation but were afraid to try?

“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of mediation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what hold you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom.”    - Buddha

Birthday Meanings and Celebrations

March 25, 2010

My birthday is next week and it’s got me thinking about the rituals we have for marking the occasion. This year, its one of those “big” ones (you know, the ones that end in either a 5 or a 0.)   What does it mean?  How do I celebrate?

I’ll admit that this year is no different than most; I’m filled with a little anxiety as the day approaches.  “What do you want to do for your birthday?” my husband has started to ask. My typical response is, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much.” Life is busy and despite the fact that each year I want to give my birthday special attention, it usually approaches quickly and is gone before I know it.

What is it about birthdays?  For me, I don’t have fear about getting older (although I admit I’m not happy with the increasing number of gray hairs or wrinkles I have.) My anxiety comes from wanting to find a significant way to mark the day. To properly acknowledge it’s meaning.  But why do I have all these expectations weighing on me to mark it the right way?  Do others feels this same way?

Meanings

What exactly is the meaning of birthdays?  Why do we give them significance?I’m not sure I have the answers to those questions. These questions give rise to many others for me.  Is it a celebration of the day we entered this world?  Is it a day to mark that “I survived another year”?  Is it recognition of the impact we’ve had in our lives?  Is it just an excuse to eat, drink and be merry with friends and loved ones?

I’ve always thought of my birthday as the start of my new year – literally a day of rebirth for me. A day when I acknowledge that I’ve managed to make it through another year on the roller coaster of life; a day to take stock of all that I’m grateful for; a day to look ahead to what the next year of life has to offer. It’s a day that gives me new hope.  Just as the tree and flower buds hold the potential of Summer’s abundance, the 29^th of March holds the promise of 365 upcoming days to collect meaningful and fulfilling moments of life – to honor my values, to accomplish goals, learn and grow as a human being, to build new relationships and to strengthen old ones.

Celebrations

Big parties?  Small intimate dinners or lunches?  A cake with candles?  Indulging in your favorite foods?  A day of pampering?  Getting away?   Jump out of an airplane?

How to celebrate?  This might be the part that causes the most anxiety for me.  There’s something in me that feels like celebrating my birthday in a big way is self-indulgent.  Like I’m making the assumption that others want to be part of celebrating “me.”  But if its about marking all that the year has held for you and the promise of what’s to come, what’s better than surrounding yourself with love and spending the occasion with close friends and loved ones?

My guess is that they way you choose celebrate is all about the meaning you attribute to your birthday.  This year, all I have planned so far is a home-cooked dinner with a small handful of close friends and family.  I’m also giving myself the day off of work.  I’d like to spend time outside in nature (weather permitting) and maybe partake in a little self-care by scheduling a much-needed haircut and maybe even a massage.  Feels like a good plan but not sure it captures all that I’d like it to.

I’m very open to ideas and would love your help.  What meaning does your birthday hold for you? What do you do to celebrate your birthday?  Any favorite traditions you keep?

A Call to Action – Life is Too Short Not to Face Fears

March 3, 2010

“I don’t have enough time to focus on myself.”

“It’s a luxury to have a career you love. No one enjoys work.”

“I can’t spend time or money on myself to figure out what will make me happy.”

“I’ll figure it out later. With the bad economy, I just have to put my head down and make money to pay the bills.”

Have you ever said these things?  I know I’ve had these thoughts.  And I hear them pretty often from friends, family, colleagues and clients.

Where do these beliefs come from, I began to wonder. And how are they serving us individually and collectively?

My guess is that these beliefs do protect us in some ways.  On the surface, “not having enough time,” allows us to hide behind humility and virtue.  It presents us an opportunity to not seem selfish.  As human beings, we have a strong desire to be caretakers and supporters of our friends and loved ones around us.  What we are taught reinforces this value that many of us hold.  And to focus on our own wants and needs seems to contradict this value.

But is it a contradiction?  Is carving out time to care of our own needs and seeing ourselves as worth it really in opposition of being supportive of others?  I’m not sure. If we go deeper, we see that to be truly supportive of others in the way we desire, we must be at our best.  This allows us to fully give our gifts to the world.  And in order to be our best, we must see ourselves as worthy enough of the time it takes for self-care and an investment in our personal growth and development.

To simply say we don’t have enough time may be just another way we avoid facing our fears.

Fear of what you might ask?  The list is long.  It takes multiple shapes for many of us.

Fear of not finding the career that will fulfill us.
Fear of never finding enough clarity to move forward.
Fear of making the wrong decision.
Fear of making a change and still not being happy.
Fear of the difficult journey it will be to find and pursue a new path.
Fear that happiness and making money are mutually exclusive.
Fear that you will not be capable and effective if you pursue an area of passion.

The list could go on.  The underlying fear as I see it, is a fear of the unknown.

It is human nature to fear the unknown – to choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

But although we have a great capacity to endure undesirable situations, there is something deep within us that knows it is worth doing something about.  So what can we do about it?  How can we begin to make the changes in ourselves in order to make a positive impact for our immediate circle and the world?

We find that in order to conquer a fear, we need to define it.

In Tim Ferris’ book, The 4-Hour Work Week, he has readers face what I see as a brilliant question in helping us define our fear of the unknown.

What is it costing you – financially, emotionally, and physically – to postpone action? Don’t only evaluate the potential downside of action.  It is equally important to measure the atrocious cost of inaction.  If you don’t pursue the things that excite you, where will you be in one year, five years, ten years?  How will you feel having allowed circumstance to impose itself upon you and having allowed ten more years of your finite life to pass doing what you know will not fulfill you?  If you telescope 10 years and know with 100% certainty that it is a path of disappointment and regret, and if we define risk as “the likelihood of an irreversible negative outcome,” inaction is the greatest risk of all.

And I’d like to add, what is it costing those around you?

How is your inaction impacting your friends and loved ones?  Your colleagues?  The world at large?

We are all inter-connected. A change in how we see and treat ourselves will ripple out to the world. Change in the world starts with each one of us. If we all hold back and live from a place of fear, we will continue to build a world of full of distrust, unhappiness, lack and scarcity.

So the next time you find yourself saying, “I don’t have the time to invest in myself” or “I’ll wait until a better time to make a change,”

Ask yourself, “What is it costing me to postpone action?”

And remember…What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.

Words of wisdom from Andrea Jung, Avon’s CEO

February 10, 2010

I had the privilege of sitting on a panel at NYU’s 18^th Annual Stern Women in Business Conference on Friday.  It was an inspiring day! Prospective students, current students, alumni and other professional women filled the crowd of over 300.  There were corporate professionals, non-profit professional, entrepreneurs – all learning and connecting with each other.

The very appropriate theme of this year’s conference was Adaptation: Creating Opportunity on a Changing Environment.  And the morning’s keynote speaker embodied the theme perfectly.

Andrea Jung, Chairman and CEO of Avon stood out from the crowd of black, navy and tan suits in her signature pearls and red dress.  As CEO of Avon for the past 11 years, she is one of the most powerful and influential women in business. From the moment she stepped up to the podium and began speaking, her grace, humility and character had the audience captivated. Her words resonated with all of us and stayed with us throughout the day.  She shared her personal story and a few key lessons she learned from mentors and coaches throughout her career.

“Follow your compass, not your clock.”
Like many of us, Andrea Jung wants to make an impact with her work.  She shared how she had dreamed of joining the Peace Corp but did the “practical” thing and got a job out of college.  But that desire to make a difference and have meaningful and fulfilling work stuck with her until she found her way to Avon.

Not only is she able to put her business acumen and innovative marketing skills to work in reviving the image of “your grandma’s company,” but she is also able to stand behind an organization known for making an impact in the lives of women across the globe everyday.  Avon was one of the first, and still one of the few, companies that empower women to become entrepreneurs.  Women in all parts of the world are earning money for their families, learning computer skills (all of Avon’s ordering is now done online), and through their independence becoming role models for younger generations. Not to mention that Avon is almost as well known for its charitable work as it is for its products – who hasn’t heard of the Avon Walks for Breast Cancer?

Her choice to have meaning and find passion in her work was put to the test in 1997 when she was passed over for promotion to CEO.  Offers from other companies followed and she contemplated jumping ship.  An honest conversation with a mentor reminder her of her need and desire to have passion in her work.  Her mentor’s words, “Follow your compass, not your clock” helped her decide to stay on at Avon.  Passion in her work was more important that having a fancy title.  And that authentic and humble choice paid off. A short 20 months later, the job of CEO was hers.

“Fire yourself on Friday and rehire yourself on Monday.”
No matter what your role, there comes a moment in our careers when we need to look ourselves in the mirror and admit the path we’re on isn’t working and we need to change.  But as we know, its human nature to resist change and to shy away from admitting we’re wrong.  Jung faced this head-on at a critical moment in Avon’s history.  She had been CEO for almost 5 years and although the company was making significant strides in turning their image around, it needed to do more if it was going to succeed. Hesitant to admit the strategies she had implemented weren’t working as well as expected, she was stuck watching the company fall behind.

Finally, her executive coach did what not many were willing to do and challenged Jung to have new, fresh eyes for her business or move on.  He delivered the message in simple terms – ‘Fire yourself on Friday.  Go home and really think about what the business needs to succeed.  Hire yourself back on Monday in the new role as Turnaround Leader ready to make bold changes.’  And if she couldn’t do that, it was time to move on because she could no longer clearly separate herself from what the business needed to succeed.  Having new, fresh eyes allows us to clearly see what bold changes need to happen.

“Bloom where you are planted.”
Throughout our careers, even the best of us are plagued by a bout of impatience.  We want to move up the ladder quicker. We want to find the perfect role for us immediately. We want to make six (or seven) figures in our businesses.  And most often, that impatience serves us well in driving us to succeed. However, we sometimes need to be reminded that it takes courage and perseverance to “bloom where you are planted.”  This was a lesson Jung learned early on in her career.  She was a new grad from Princeton and desperately wanted to be doing important work. She was frustrated with the entry-level tasks her boss had her doing.  She even went home one day and declared to her parents that she was going to quit her job.  They reminded her of the need to start from the bottom and work your way up.  That its sometimes more courageous to persevere in your current situation.  And this lesson helped her build the foundation she needed for her later success.

What about these three lessons resonates with you?  What choices have you made at the defining moments of your career? What stories do you have to share?

Permission to Wallow Part 2 – Purposeful Wallowing

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on September 3, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

Yesterday, we discussed wallowing and explored its benefits.  I shared how as a coach, I could get behind encouraging wallowing as a tool to gain insight and help you move forward.  Today, I thought we’d to continue exploring by getting deeper into a real life example and sharing some practical ways for you to make the most of your wallowing.

Laura’s Story
Laura is a bright, energetic, driven corporate leader who’s worked her way up the ladder.  She has invested 16 years into her career and is recognized as a subject matter expertise in her field.  But something is missing and she’s burnt out.  We began our work together by exploring a career path that would put her skills to use in a consulting capacity.  It seemed like the logical thing to do and she was taking every step she was supposed to in order to generate leads and opportunities.  In our last meeting however, she was still feeling stressed out and uneasy.  So we took the opportunity to explore how she was feeling and get behind what they might be revealing to her.  We explored what felt off, what felt right.  We explored when in her work she felt stressed and when she felt strong and confident.  Something began to shift in Laura.  The tension began to break and you could see her sinking into her emotions.  Over the following two weeks, Laura took time to wallow in those feelings and continue to look for the messages they might be sending her about her next career step.  When I spoke with her yesterday, she was bubbling over with energy.  Her deep reflection revealed a potential career path that she had never considered.  She couldn’t believe she had previously overlooked it as an option.  Her wallowing allowed her to confront and release her built up emotions.  And when she paid attention to the root of her emotions, she was able to see a world of possibilities opening up before her.

The next time you feel a period of wallowing coming on, make the most of it. Pull out your journal and begin to capture all the feelings you’re having.  Take a deep breath and truly allow yourself to experience your emotions.  And ask yourself some reflective questions* about your emotions:

Fear – What is the threat?  Is it real or perceived?  What must I do to move into a position of safety?

Vulnerability – What belief, behavior or perception is being challenged? How might my life change if I accept and adapt to this new insight?

Anger – What must be protected?  What boundary must be restored?

Frustration – What is the block?  What can I do differently?  Who can I ask for ideas or assistance?

Sadness (when you know loss is coming) – What must be released?  What must be rejuvenated?

Grief (when you have no choice about the loss) – What must be mourned?

*Questions are adapted from The Emotional Life of Horses by Linda Kohanov. Copyright 2005 by Epona Equestrian Services. http://www.taoofequus.com/linda_kohanov.html

Career Transition – Permission to Wallow

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on September 2, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

In response to a recent posting about Terri’s 4-month journey to find a more meaningful role before being deported, one of our readers, Ellen, shared that rather than feeling motivated by Terri’s success, she somehow felt bad about it – like she couldn’t relate to this seemingly idyllic, inspirational tale.  What about when we hit roadblocks, she wondered, or when we lack clarity and we’re overwhelmed by our emotions?

In her last line, Ellen somewhat sheepishly asked for permission to wallow in her emotions and it got me thinking. Why can’t we wallow, I wondered?  Are there only downsides or can there be actual benefits to wallowing?  And as a coach, could I encourage it as part of the career change process?  What I discovered was overwhelming and unexpected. Yes! I can definitely get behind wallowing…to a point and with a purpose.

After much thought and reflection on my own career journey and the journey of the hundreds of clients I have worked with, few if any, were without setbacks and periods of sadness, frustration, anger and doubt.  Yet it seems that for many of us, we’re afraid to sit too long with our feelings and emotions.  We’ve come to see wallowing defined as self-pity, being self-absorbed and stagnating.

Well the way I’m looking at wallowing is somewhat different.  Let me explain my line of thought.

wallow [wol-oh] –verb (used without object)
1.    to roll about or lie in water, snow, mud, dust, or the like, as for refreshment: Goats wallowed in the dust.
2.    to live self-indulgently; luxuriate; revel: to wallow in luxury; to wallow in sentimentality.

When reading the definition, you can see that wallowing implies being in the moment, allowing yourself the time and space to really take it all in, the good and bad.  And from this perspective, I think wallowing in your emotions can be beneficial.  In our career transitions, as in many other aspects of our work and life, we are very rarely encouraged to slow down and breathe; to regroup and reassess.  As I see it, that’s what wallowing is all about.  Wallowing allows you the opportunity to deeply feel your emotions and listen to the messages they are sending.

This quiet time allows you to really be with your emotions. If we take the time to really let our emotions in, we take a critical step towards being able to release them and move forward with greater ease.  Additionally, we can learn powerful things from the messages they are sending us. Just don’t let yourself get stuck in the emotional mud.

So Ellen, permission is granted!  We all need to do a bit of wallowing in order to be successful.  Roll around in your feelings, revel in them.  Learn all you can from them and use the insight to move you into inspired action.
Stay tuned for tomorrow when we’ll look at some ways to make the most of your wallowing.

Do You Trust What You Know? – Intuitive Knowledge

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on August 12, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

I bounced over to Jaye, the 28-year old dark brown, wise and majestic mare, with curry comb and brush in hand. The instructions from my coach Kathy were simple – I had 10 minutes to groom the horse and notice what I was feeling. I was in good spirits that day at the barn. I’d been working on getting my life in order and the results were showing. How hard could this job be, I thought? But as soon as I started using the comb to release dirt, Jaye turned her head to look at me. What did that mean? Was she uncomfortable? A moment later when she backed away, ever so slightly, I got my answer.

A horse is a powerful mirror.

The smile and hop in my step were quickly disappearing. Jaye and I were both uneasy and agitated. I didn’t like it.  But I kept on going.  And finally as I passed behind her to groom her other side, something happened.  A deep breath entered my lungs without conscious thought.  A release swept over my body and there was a noticeable weakness in my knees.  I laid a hand on her to steady myself as I groomed with the other.  We fell into sync.  We were connected.

I knew instantly in that moment that Jaye had picked up on what was really going on with me before I did.  She saw through my positive exterior and instantly recognized the fear deep inside. Uh, oh. But as I checked in with the feeling, I realized the fear was there, but it wasn’t paralyzing.  It was that excited kind of fear; like when you’re on the brink of an amazing new journey.  Ahh!  So this is what I was meant to learn, huh?  This is what you were trying to make me see!

Jaye reflected my mismatched emotions back to me until I paid attention.  I wanted to hug her.  Her gift was powerful.  I felt warm, appreciative, known, accepted. I felt authentic, empowered, courageous.  I was ready to face my fears.

And then it happened.

I looked up at my coach, flashed a smile loaded with the message, “I am complete with Jaye; is it ok if I’m done?”  She smiled back giving no indication I had permission to stop.  My 10 minutes must not be up yet.  What do I do now?
So I ignored my gut and did what I was “supposed” to.  I moved back to Jaye’s right side and kept on grooming until my 10 minutes were up.  Those last two minutes were excruciating.  We got agitated again.  We lost our connection.  I suddenly felt I was on stage for my audience to critique.  I was doing it wrong.  I let Jaye down. I failed.  Everyone else was better than me.  I ran back to my seat as fast as I could when time was called.

As she debriefed with me, my coach Kathy challenged me, “Where else in your business or life do you stop yourself from acting on your intuition?  How has that held you back?”  Another participant of the workshop threw in another one,  ”Are you trying to be the “good girl” and do it “right” rather than taking authentic action?”

My mind raced through past experience where I ignored my intuition to disastrous results and those where I listened and although it felt risky, all turned out better than expected.

And almost like Jaye was still communicating with me from the barn, an opportunity to listen to my intuition showed up.  I had been in conversation with a colleague about collaborating on a project together.  On the surface, there was so much synergy that it seemed like a no-brainer.   But the more we talked about it, the more drained I got.  The more I felt trapped.
So during our next call, when the topic of how we’d work together came up, I took the chance and opened up.  I had fears.  I had reservations.  It doesn’t feel like the right time for me.  But I didn’t want to close the door to future collaboration.
Turns out the fears and doubts were mutual.  We had a great conversation and things are better than ever between us.  We’re finding other ways to support each other and keeping our eyes open for future opportunities to collaborate.  I think we may have even saved our friendship from potential damage.

Trusting your intuition can be a challenging task even if we know the rewards.

To strengthen your awareness and integrate it into authentic action, try these following steps when faced with your next decision:

Check in with your body. Notice any feelings, twinges or stiffness. What message is this trying to tell you?

Check in with your emotions. Are you feeling fear, vulnerability, anger, frustration, sadness?  Or happy, confident, empowered, clear, courageous?  What message are these emotions trying to tell you?

Take action. Building the muscles around trusting your intuition take practice.  Take a chance.  Act in a way that honors the messages you received from your body and emotions.

Reflect. Take time to reflect on how this new authentic action felt for you.  Did things blow up after you took the risk or was your risk rewarded with a pleasant surprise?  How will you integrate what you learned the next time you’re faced with a decision?

Please share your stories with us. We’d love to hear how you’re learning and growing!

PS Remember how I wanted to hug Jaye for the gift she had given me?  Well even though it felt like a silly request, before I left the barn that day, I shared my desire with Kathy.  She led me straight into Jaye’s stall and I wrapped my arms around her. Thank you, I communicated with my embrace; I’m grateful you were here to teach me.  And turns out it wasn’t so silly a request after all.  One by one, my fellow workshop participants stepped into the stall asking for their chance at a hug.

What’s life got to do with it? – Extraordinary Foundation

January 13, 2010

This post originally ran on July 30, 2009 on the blog, Less Ordinary Living.

Has this ever happened to you? You had an unfocused, unproductive week at work and you couldn’t understand why!

That’s what happened to me last week. I thought I had everything in place – a 3-year business vision, annual goals, monthly revenue projections, a marketing strategy, monthly goals, daily and weekly action steps, two weekly calls with my accountability partner Phil…Yet I still couldn’t get out of my own way. I couldn’t manage to sit down and accomplish much. My attention wandered, I was distracted by email, doing laundry and waiting for the next post to pop up on Facebook. I was having trouble sleeping and was exhausted most of the day.

What was up? What kind of coach and role model was I being? I followed all the rules, implemented all the systems for success and still nothing could break me out of my unproductive funk.

Disturbed, I pulled out my journal and began to write down any thought that came into my head. Surprisingly, not many of them were work related. Here’s what came out on the page – I’ve been struggling with the chronic illness of a family member, worried about my husband and concerned how much longer he can endure working at his unfulfilling job while managing a job search in this economy, feeling guilty because I’ve been busy and out of touch with friend and family, worried about money, and frustrated that I haven’t finished my home office renovations yet.

My guess is a few of these ring true for you as well. So many of us push through the daily tasks of our work telling ourselves that we’ll get to our personal lives later, when we’re done with work. Yet work never quite seems to end and later keeps getting pushed off. And if you’re like me, when I don’t take time to focus on my personal life, honor what’s important to me and process my emotions, I feel like I’m on shaky ground, carrying a bag of rocks around with me through dense fog. And boy does it wipe me out trying to work while I’m carrying those rocks through the fog! Whether we’re conscious of it or not, our personal life is with us during our workday. The unresolved issues and unprocessed emotions take space in your brain; they mentally (and physically) wear you out and keep you from doing your best work.

As I’ve moved through my career, I’ve noticed my tolerance for pushing off my personal life has decreased as the impact it has on my professional success increases. I now see self-care as a top priority not only in having a high quality of life but also in my career success. If I don’t have the solid foundation of my personal life, no matter how hard I try, I cannot be fully present and successful in running my business.

So when it hit me last week that life was getting in the way of business, I took swift action. I made time for some self-care, I got in touch with friends and family, I talked to my coach, did some financial planning and finally got my home office together.
The energy shift was amazing! Not only do I feel good about the attention I paid to my personal life but in less than a week’s time, I’ve gotten many tasks off the work to-do list and several doors have opened to exciting and unexpected opportunities.
I am taking away a powerful lesson from this experience; a critical key to career success is making your personal life a priority. Taking time to care for yourself, process your emotions and nourish your relationships not only frees you from carrying that bag of rocks through fog, it also is a vital source of energy to accomplish nothing less than the extraordinary in your business and career!

What’s standing the way of your career success? What needs handling in your personal life? What support do you need to move forward?

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